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Showing posts with the label communication

Find the Opportunity

Every conversation contains at least one opportunity.  Getting to know someone, clarifying expectations, resolving conflict, helping achieve a goal...the opportunities are rich with possibility once we recognize them. It's easy to miss that opportunity and waste the time, but when we understand the opportunity and do our best to communicate clearly and effectively, we can enjoy the benefits of those opportunities through productive conversations.  Find the opportunity.  -- doug smith  

Talking About The Problem

Talking with someone about a problem might not solve the problem...but what if it does? And even if it doesn't, now you know more about each other. -- doug smith  P.S. Talking about it is a good start, but eventually you have to do something to solve that problem. Problem solving is an active phenomenon.

Connection

  Where does communication start? Before any meaningful message can be shared, before any agreement can be reached, communication starts with connection. Finding a way to share something in common with someone else. Turning toward someone and taking the chance of seeing, hearing, feeling who they are in this moment of time. Communication starts with connection. Connect, and the possibilities are limitless. -- doug smith

Other People's Stories

What's your story? Have you ever been asked that question? Do you ever ask anyone else, "What's your story? What is the story behind your thinking, your emotions, your point of view?" Everyone has a story. Complicated, jaded, faded, fabricated, exasperated, under-rated...stories that knit together our moments into who we are. We do need to understand our own personal stories because they give us a place to stand, a place to focus, and a face to show the world. We also benefit from understanding, or sometimes it's enough to seek to understand, the stories of others. People we care about as well as people who stand in our way. Understanding other people's stories helps us understand each other.  When we can begin to understand the stories of others then our own stories contain more joy. I'm in favor of that, how about you? -- doug smith  

Communication Freedom...

  Have you ever said something and you knew that it was wrong as soon as you said it? What happened next? Sometimes we find ourselves defending our position even after we realize that our position is flawed or even downright incorrect. Why do we do that? We have the freedom when we are communicating to change our minds. We have the freedom to re-state what we said, to reframe it in a way that makes more sense, to come to terms with a better truth. We don't have to defend something just because we said it. Maybe we shouldn't have said it to begin with! -- doug smith

Flexible Beliefs

  How flexible are your beliefs? Not so flexible that you consider switching to unethical or illegal choices, I hope. Flexible enough that you aren't codified in place. Flexible enough that you are willing to consider other people's ideas and, yes even beliefs. Your belief system is flexible so why not make it work for you? It's a simple way of expanding your possibilities. -- doug smith Notes: "Wait, is that a reference to the matrix?" "What do you think?" "I asked you first." "It depends on what you believe." "I believe that you meant it to refer to that movie..." "If it helps. But no, that's not what I meant. We aren't sleeping. We aren't living in a dream. We aren't extremely inefficient batteries keeping our robot lords alive. We're people who make choices every day and those choices are sometimes limited by what we believe." "How do you know what you believe is true?" "Exact

Insist on Honesty

Even if honesty seems rare, you can achieve it with discipline. When you practice it. When you insist on it. When you get better at testing your assumptions. When you give people the chance to tell the truth by responding with respect. High performance leaders finds ways to explore before they implore -- they make certain of the truth before they swear by it. Powerful leaders stay open to possibilities that they may not have contemplated and allow the truth to emerge. Once the truth emerges, there will still be people who doubt it, who still will resist. When we can share what we think and what we feel with honesty, it will serve us well even when we're wrong (because even honest people are sometimes wrong). Insist on honesty with respect - it's a great path to the truth. -- doug smith

Silence or Apology?

Can you remember the last time you said something that you regret? Did it result in embarrassment? Maybe even an apology? It's certainly happened to me. It's even possible to say something that no amount of regret or apology can erase -- or even diminish. In other words, the harm is permanent and severe. Oh, if there was only a way to avoid that... There is. It's simple, but not easy. Simply pause. Before saying that "wonderfully outrageous" thing or "brilliantly sarcastic" comment pause long enough to take a few breaths. Embrace silence. A moment of silence can prevent a lifetime of regret.  If you need to, you can always say that incendiary thing in the future. But, you probably won't need to, and you'll be glad that you let the moment pass. -- doug smith

First, Respect

Is there something important that you need to say to someone you're not getting along with at the moment? Are you reporting a problem to people in your organization? Is that conversation difficult, controversial, or problematic? Say it with respect and kindness or keep it to yourself. -- doug smith 

Finding Deeper Conversations

We talk at the surface level (when we do talk!) most of the time. The good stuff, the material and the feelings and the knowledge that can help us the most is deeper. Baring our souls. Opening our hearts. Exercising our minds. Why don't we do more of that? As leaders, we should be experts at facilitating deeper conversations. We should create the space for people to feel safe, open, and free to say what they think and feel. We may not agree with them, and given enough time to think and feel openly, they might not even feel that way, either. When we take the time to express, listen, and process, then can get to a deeper place surrounded by better results. Taking a conversation deeper may feel risky but that's where the gold is. Deeper! -- doug smith

Powerful Curiosity

If you've attended any of my events on communication or leadership, you know that I believe that curiosity is powerful. It is more powerful than many alternatives. Curiosity is more powerful than rhetoric, dogma, or unquestioned truth. Curiosity is more powerful than judgement, or data, or drama.  Stay curious, and see how powerful it is! -- doug smith  

Nomenclature

Some things, no matter what you call them, remain unchanged. Spinning the image or shining the stains won't work when the truth speaks louder than deception. Stealing in the name of game playing or competition is still stealing.  It's simple: do not steal. Not in the name of a cause. Not in the name of a religion. Not in the name of strategy. If you wouldn't want it taken from you, don't take it from anyone else. Do not steal. -- doug smith

Start With a Question

As a recovering know-it-all I have stopped pretending that I know everything. No one does, so how could I know everything? But, there's still an endless thirst to learn everything, to gather as much knowledge as I can and put it to use and then share it.  That comes with lots of reading, tons of research, and constant education. And -- best of all -- with lots of questions. Every useful answer started as a brilliant question. Start with a question, and maybe the knowledge will flow. And if it doesn't --- ask a better question! -- doug smith Note: If you've been in any of my events you probably know that I learned to ask a better question from one of my mentors, Andrew Oxley. His exact quote is "if you don't like the answer to a question -- ask a better question." Thanks again, Andrew!

Find the Connection

Have you ever been at a loss for words? Doesn't it always happen at an inconvenient time? I'm sure it doesn't happen to every one but for some of us, under pressure, forced to say something, we can't say anything at all. It's like an animal that freezes at the sign of danger -- maybe if we sit very still the awkwardness will go away. It won't go away on its own. But, you know what does help? Connection.  I discovered that the awkward feeling gives me a choice -- I can detach completely (or try to) which leads to even more tension, or I can see that feeling as a kind of connection. Someone cares enough to want a response. That is no small thing. That is, in fact, a wonderful thing. We're connected! Once I see the connection, communicating becomes much easier because it is suddenly less threatening.  Try it. I think you'll like it. The next time (and thereafter) when you feel that awkward silence controlling you because of uncertainty or nervousness just b

Why Punish Each Other?

Has anyone ever given you the "cold shoulder" by refusing to talk to you? They know you're there, they avoid you, they simply stop communicating...How did that feel? It feels bad. Maybe we've all done it at one time or another, suddenly becoming uncommunicative. In some relationships it can last for years, slowly drifting apart until there's nothing left in common. It doesn't have to be that way. As awkward as it feels, talk about it. Get the issues on the table. Chances are that neither one of you are completely right or completely wrong. Forgive the other person so that you can forgive yourself -- because until that happens there will always be a lingering hurt. Refusing to talk feels like a harsh punishment.  It feels like fighting, when understanding would be better for all concerned. Talk about it. -- doug smith

Trust the Truth

It's hard to escape it: there are lies everywhere. Behind every lie is a liar, someone who knows that they are deceiving people. The lies might be obvious. They might even rationalize the lies into harmless ways around the truth.  There is no way around the truth. The only way to the truth is telling the truth. It's tempting to rationalize our own reactions to lies. After all, they lied first so what's the harm in twisting the truth just a little for a good cause. No. You can't stop a liar from lying, but you don't have to play a liar's game. High performance leaders with integrity tell the truth. -- doug smith

Quick Presentation Advice

Have you ever seen a presentation that was all slides and not much presentation? You know all the signs: fonts too small, too many words, unrelated charts, busy, busy, busy. People won't remember your slides. They'll remember you. Especially when your presentation involves them -- the audience. Make it for and about the audience and then it won't even matter if your slides work. -- doug smith  

Keep Talking

Some of the best conversations I have ever been part of started a bit on the excited side. Well, to be honest, they might have been way over the side and into stormy territory. Elevated emotions and loud tones of voice. That is not my preference. I like calm. I like quiet. But, more than that I like understanding. I like to understand the people I talk with and I love it when they understand me. Sometimes that starts and ends calmly and sometimes that includes a little spice. Keep talking.  That's what I've learned. When it feels hard to say, keep talking. When you're so excited that you can hardly keep the words moving forward, keep talking. When the wrong words emerge and you instantly regret it, keep talking. Breathe. Smile (when you can!) and keep talking. Pause generously to listen. Listen to slow your talking down and truly hear what else is being said. Let it season you, inform you, calm you. Listen, and then talk. If you can't talk calmly, keep talking until you

Those Annoying Opportunities

Sometimes people can get on your nerves. Interrupting, ignoring, disagreeing, even laughing at the wrong time can feel like an intended insult. Taking that kind of interaction as an insult, though, will not improve the quality of the interaction.  I like to think of the people who drive me crazy as the people who spark more learning.  It might not be the lesson they want to teach me that I learn, but there is certainly something there worth learning. If we missed all learning that wasn't fun we'd miss a whole lot of learning.  Those annoying learning opportunities are sometimes exactly what we need. -- doug smith ]

Courage to Speak

There have been times when I wanted to say something because I thought that it was important and yet didn't say it. I learned that avoiding a difficult conversation usually leads to even more difficulties. Keeping a problem to yourself is not a great strategy. The words won't be perfect. We might sweat when we say them. Disagreement could rise. That's fine. If it is important to you, say it. Sometimes it's less about what you say and more about your willingness to say it. If it takes courage to speak, you should probably speak. -- doug smith