doug smith training

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "not so good" and 10 being excellent, how good a listener are you? If you think you are a ten, good for you! You must be very fun to talk with! And if like most of us you are something less than a 10, that's OK, too. We can always learn how to listen better. It is a skill so highly valued and yet so seldom practiced that the opportunity to listen better is limitless. We don't have to follow every voice we hear but we can certainly learn a lot by listening. Let's level-up our listening today. Let's find out what we can learn... -- doug smith  

Is everything a negotiation? Can you make an offer without holding it so close that it locks you in? If everything is a negotiation, then nothing should offend. Make a better offer. -- doug smith

  Have you ever found yourself in a light-hearted conversation and realized that it was becoming profound? Maybe you came up with new ideas. Maybe you collaborated on solving a problem. Talking can lead to great things. Casual conversations create connections that lead to better results. We simply work better when we get along. We don't need to agree - but we do need to connect. -- doug smith

How do you feel about rules that are imposed on you? A new procedure, a different process, some change that feels awkward and unwelcome? Most people hate that sort of thing. That means that when we as leaders seek to make a change it's worth considering how many voices we've allowed into the conversation. Do people feel included? Are they likely to approve of some new restriction? It's harder to follow rules that you didn't approve. The best way to influence that challenge is to give people a voice, and, then listen. -- doug smith 

Do you share any fish stories? You know the idea, the fish you caught gets bigger every time you tell about it. I do not fish but I'm sure I've told some whopper fish stories.  Even though we cannot perfect the past, we sure do try. Intentionally and unintentionally, details change. We remember things differently. We remember the last time we remembered. The original phenomenon swims in a river that no longer exists. Our story is different every time we tell it. We don't need to change that, but we should definitely be aware of it. -- doug smith P.S. Is today's truth better than yesterday's truth? Let's just not lie about it... 

There have been times when I was teaching a program called "Communicating With Tact and Diplomacy" when one or more of the participants would tell me "this is my last chance -- HR sent me here to fix me or I'm gone..." How's that for a challenge? Get fixed or get gone. I very often tell people that I can't fix anyone because people are not broken in places I know how to fix. But, that's not a great thing to say to someone who has their working life on the line. It might sound diplomatic, but it is not helpful, and maybe not entirely true. Entirely true? What even does that mean? Isn't something true or NOT? The point is, we do not need to fix anyone in order to help them fix the way they perform. In my classes I do sometimes help people become more diplomatic -- but that is a start, not an end destination. There is something better than diplomacy and that is compassionate truth. It's harder, it takes more time, it's often easily misunders

Every conversation contains at least one opportunity.  Getting to know someone, clarifying expectations, resolving conflict, helping achieve a goal...the opportunities are rich with possibility once we recognize them. It's easy to miss that opportunity and waste the time, but when we understand the opportunity and do our best to communicate clearly and effectively, we can enjoy the benefits of those opportunities through productive conversations.  Find the opportunity.  -- doug smith  

Talking with someone about a problem might not solve the problem...but what if it does? And even if it doesn't, now you know more about each other. -- doug smith  P.S. Talking about it is a good start, but eventually you have to do something to solve that problem. Problem solving is an active phenomenon.

  Where does communication start? Before any meaningful message can be shared, before any agreement can be reached, communication starts with connection. Finding a way to share something in common with someone else. Turning toward someone and taking the chance of seeing, hearing, feeling who they are in this moment of time. Communication starts with connection. Connect, and the possibilities are limitless. -- doug smith

What's your story? Have you ever been asked that question? Do you ever ask anyone else, "What's your story? What is the story behind your thinking, your emotions, your point of view?" Everyone has a story. Complicated, jaded, faded, fabricated, exasperated, under-rated...stories that knit together our moments into who we are. We do need to understand our own personal stories because they give us a place to stand, a place to focus, and a face to show the world. We also benefit from understanding, or sometimes it's enough to seek to understand, the stories of others. People we care about as well as people who stand in our way. Understanding other people's stories helps us understand each other.  When we can begin to understand the stories of others then our own stories contain more joy. I'm in favor of that, how about you? -- doug smith  

  Have you ever said something and you knew that it was wrong as soon as you said it? What happened next? Sometimes we find ourselves defending our position even after we realize that our position is flawed or even downright incorrect. Why do we do that? We have the freedom when we are communicating to change our minds. We have the freedom to re-state what we said, to reframe it in a way that makes more sense, to come to terms with a better truth. We don't have to defend something just because we said it. Maybe we shouldn't have said it to begin with! -- doug smith

  How flexible are your beliefs? Not so flexible that you consider switching to unethical or illegal choices, I hope. Flexible enough that you aren't codified in place. Flexible enough that you are willing to consider other people's ideas and, yes even beliefs. Your belief system is flexible so why not make it work for you? It's a simple way of expanding your possibilities. -- doug smith Notes: "Wait, is that a reference to the matrix?" "What do you think?" "I asked you first." "It depends on what you believe." "I believe that you meant it to refer to that movie..." "If it helps. But no, that's not what I meant. We aren't sleeping. We aren't living in a dream. We aren't extremely inefficient batteries keeping our robot lords alive. We're people who make choices every day and those choices are sometimes limited by what we believe." "How do you know what you believe is true?" "Exact

Even if honesty seems rare, you can achieve it with discipline. When you practice it. When you insist on it. When you get better at testing your assumptions. When you give people the chance to tell the truth by responding with respect. High performance leaders finds ways to explore before they implore -- they make certain of the truth before they swear by it. Powerful leaders stay open to possibilities that they may not have contemplated and allow the truth to emerge. Once the truth emerges, there will still be people who doubt it, who still will resist. When we can share what we think and what we feel with honesty, it will serve us well even when we're wrong (because even honest people are sometimes wrong). Insist on honesty with respect - it's a great path to the truth. -- doug smith

Can you remember the last time you said something that you regret? Did it result in embarrassment? Maybe even an apology? It's certainly happened to me. It's even possible to say something that no amount of regret or apology can erase -- or even diminish. In other words, the harm is permanent and severe. Oh, if there was only a way to avoid that... There is. It's simple, but not easy. Simply pause. Before saying that "wonderfully outrageous" thing or "brilliantly sarcastic" comment pause long enough to take a few breaths. Embrace silence. A moment of silence can prevent a lifetime of regret.  If you need to, you can always say that incendiary thing in the future. But, you probably won't need to, and you'll be glad that you let the moment pass. -- doug smith

Is there something important that you need to say to someone you're not getting along with at the moment? Are you reporting a problem to people in your organization? Is that conversation difficult, controversial, or problematic? Say it with respect and kindness or keep it to yourself. -- doug smith 

We talk at the surface level (when we do talk!) most of the time. The good stuff, the material and the feelings and the knowledge that can help us the most is deeper. Baring our souls. Opening our hearts. Exercising our minds. Why don't we do more of that? As leaders, we should be experts at facilitating deeper conversations. We should create the space for people to feel safe, open, and free to say what they think and feel. We may not agree with them, and given enough time to think and feel openly, they might not even feel that way, either. When we take the time to express, listen, and process, then can get to a deeper place surrounded by better results. Taking a conversation deeper may feel risky but that's where the gold is. Deeper! -- doug smith

If you've attended any of my events on communication or leadership, you know that I believe that curiosity is powerful. It is more powerful than many alternatives. Curiosity is more powerful than rhetoric, dogma, or unquestioned truth. Curiosity is more powerful than judgement, or data, or drama.  Stay curious, and see how powerful it is! -- doug smith  

Some things, no matter what you call them, remain unchanged. Spinning the image or shining the stains won't work when the truth speaks louder than deception. Stealing in the name of game playing or competition is still stealing.  It's simple: do not steal. Not in the name of a cause. Not in the name of a religion. Not in the name of strategy. If you wouldn't want it taken from you, don't take it from anyone else. Do not steal. -- doug smith

As a recovering know-it-all I have stopped pretending that I know everything. No one does, so how could I know everything? But, there's still an endless thirst to learn everything, to gather as much knowledge as I can and put it to use and then share it.  That comes with lots of reading, tons of research, and constant education. And -- best of all -- with lots of questions. Every useful answer started as a brilliant question. Start with a question, and maybe the knowledge will flow. And if it doesn't --- ask a better question! -- doug smith Note: If you've been in any of my events you probably know that I learned to ask a better question from one of my mentors, Andrew Oxley. His exact quote is "if you don't like the answer to a question -- ask a better question." Thanks again, Andrew!

Have you ever been at a loss for words? Doesn't it always happen at an inconvenient time? I'm sure it doesn't happen to every one but for some of us, under pressure, forced to say something, we can't say anything at all. It's like an animal that freezes at the sign of danger -- maybe if we sit very still the awkwardness will go away. It won't go away on its own. But, you know what does help? Connection.  I discovered that the awkward feeling gives me a choice -- I can detach completely (or try to) which leads to even more tension, or I can see that feeling as a kind of connection. Someone cares enough to want a response. That is no small thing. That is, in fact, a wonderful thing. We're connected! Once I see the connection, communicating becomes much easier because it is suddenly less threatening.  Try it. I think you'll like it. The next time (and thereafter) when you feel that awkward silence controlling you because of uncertainty or nervousness just b