Questions about Advice

Do you like to give advice?

I don't know how many times people have asked me for advice and in return I just let them hear what I had to say about what I thought they wanted to know. That has two big problems:

Maybe I haven't really understood their issue, and
Maybe they aren't really ready for advice until they've thought it through

By asking questions, I can learn more about their situation to find out if I even have advice worth sharing on that situation. Sometimes, they have all they need to solve the problem by themselves.

Also, by asking questions and letting them think through the situation in greater detail, they can tell that I'm not just going to pull out a stock answer -- and the answer will come from our dialogue together, not some ready-supply of world wisdom. I'm smart, but I can't solve everyone's problem.

How about this -- do you like to get advice?

Asking for advice (without paying for it) can be an imposition. It can also be rude. It can also be risky because once you ask for advice whoever provides that advice will expect you to follow it.

Before I ask for advice now, I ask questions to explore whether my inquiries are both welcome and useful for both of us. I'm more interested in collaborating solutions than consuming them.

Or, how about this -- does anyone ever offer you advice you didn't ask for?

That's always fun isn't it -- or not! When that happens I've learned to ask questions to find out why they think I need or want that advice. Maybe I do and I just don't realize it yet. Or, maybe I don't and any advice will get in the way of a plan already in place. Once again, I'd rather collaborate than consume.

When in doubt, when put out, when you feel about to shout -- ask questions.

Ask questions before giving advice and ask questions before taking it.

The right questions can save you hours of aggravation and misunderstanding.

-- doug smith

Comments

Fun In Learning

Problems are not usually fun. It may sound funny to say that they could be. But, what if they could be fun? I don't know how to solve every problem but there is fun in the learning. Don't ask me why, just give it a try... -- doug smith

Constructive Feedback

Wouldn't it be nice if the only feedback we got was all positive? Our self-esteem would be so happy. Our confidence would be flying high. Work would be wonderful! The problem is, the mistakes we make, the opportunities we miss, the offenses we offer would go unchecked leading to - gulp - worse performance. Yes, we love the positive feedback. I can run a week on one "good job!" We also really need the constructive comments. Ready or not, we can always improve. Asking only for positive feedback sounds comforting but it's wrong. We need to ask for feedback and handle it, positive or not. If we do not receive any constructive feedback, as high performance leaders we owe it to ourselves and our teams to ask for it. It's also true when it comes to delivering feedback. Our constructive feedback for others may make them uncomfortable. Our observations of behavior may run counter to their self-evaluation. As leaders, we owe it to people to help them improve, to lead them t

Connection

Where does communication start? Before any meaningful message can be shared, before any agreement can be reached, communication starts with connection. Finding a way to share something in common with someone else. Turning toward someone and taking the chance of seeing, hearing, feeling who they are in this moment of time. Communication starts with connection. Connect, and the possibilities are limitless. -- doug smith

About That Goal

It's easy to set a goal and then start working on it before figuring out why. It does make sense to start working on a goal. Great ideas without action are meaningless. It's also worth checking to make sure that the massive effort you're about to make is worth it. It is worth asking if a goal is good for you, good for others, and good for some higher cause. If it's yes to all three, it's a goal worth working hard on. -- doug smith

Work On Noble Goals

Why do people pursue goals that cause pain? When one person's ambition causes another person's anguish that is not a noble goal. It is not sheepishness or lack of courage that cautions us to take care of other people and their needs -- it is basic human decency. High performance leaders do not need to create harm. We make important decisions. We can balance our goals with the consequences and chose those that create only value. That does not rule out competition. Sometimes we DO need to compete. When we need to compete (hey, I like a good contest as much as anyone) we do it fairly, within the rules, with no intention of harming anyone. I can block your shot without breaking your arm. You can tackle me without causing a concussion. It is possible to assertively work for a win without creates debilitating loss. Seek good goals. Work on noble goals. A goal is no good if it results in harm. -- doug smith

Evaluate Carefully

It's easier to make a problem worse than it is to solve it, so evaluate your solution carefully. -- doug smith

Jumping to Solutions

What is it like to jump to solutions? It's deciding before evaluating. It's picking the first thing that sounds right. It's doing anything to cut the tension of dealing with a problem. It may not be your best choice. It's easier to make a problem worse than it is to solve it so evaluate your solution carefully. Will it make things better? Will it prevent harm? Will it please the people effected? Jump to solutions? Not so fast. Breathe. Evaluate. Select. -- doug smith

Good Intentions, but...

Problems are not always caused by mistakes. Sometimes they're caused by good intentions. While it is great to begin with good intentions, what we do still matters more than what we intend. If a leader creates an unfair atmosphere out of the intention to help one particular team member, that could be a problem. If a leader intends to build a high performance team and yet supports without ever challenging team members, that could be a problem. Good intentions are not enough. Right actions matter more. -- doug smith

Fill Your Goal With Love

It's a weird question, true, but worth asking: is your goal filled with love? Do you love the outcome your goal will bring about? More importantly, is your goal formed with love for something other than yourself? Will the completion of your goal bring about joy? Will achieving your goal bring something positive to the world? It's mostly a "note to self" kind of question because, for me, simply achieving a goal is not enough. The goal needs to matter, and nothing matters more than love. Fill your goal with love and the outcome will improve. Fill your goal with love and you will love the result. -- doug smith

Other People's Stories

What's your story? Have you ever been asked that question? Do you ever ask anyone else, "What's your story? What is the story behind your thinking, your emotions, your point of view?" Everyone has a story. Complicated, jaded, faded, fabricated, exasperated, under-rated...stories that knit together our moments into who we are. We do need to understand our own personal stories because they give us a place to stand, a place to focus, and a face to show the world. We also benefit from understanding, or sometimes it's enough to seek to understand, the stories of others. People we care about as well as people who stand in our way. Understanding other people's stories helps us understand each other. When we can begin to understand the stories of others then our own stories contain more joy. I'm in favor of that, how about you? -- doug smith

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