doug smith training

Conflict is not always bad. Sometimes it is necessary. We do get to choose how we approach it. Do we treat the opposition respectfully? Do we include dignity and opportunity as we negotiate? Even when we are uncomfortable with conflict (which is most of the time for many of us) it is only thru conflict that we can resolve issues of inequity. Peace is an excellent first choice, but not always available. Completely avoiding conflict could lead to complete surrender. Don't surrender. Negotiate. -- doug smith 

Too much drama at work? The answer is almost always "YES!"  Difficult behaviors, difficult people, conflict after conflict can cause us aggravation. What's worse is when drama is piled on top of the conflict, and it almost always is. "There's so wrong!" "She's so difficult!" "He went behind my back!" "This would be a nice place to work if it wasn't for..." You get the idea and you no doubt feel the drama. We are constantly trained to be dramatic to get what we want, to respond when we don't get what we want, or to simply get attention. It's on TV. It's in literature. It's in the movies. It's even on youtube. Drama, drama, everywhere. It's natural that we'd come to think that drama is natural. Even if it is, it is still a choice. Do you want to make something dramatic, or do you want to dial it down? Do you want to remain centered and calm, or do you want to bathe yourself and others in drama?

  Everything is open to interpretation. To dispute this is an interpretation. It is, therefore, indisputable. Or is it? Stay curious. Let's see what happens. -- doug smith

  What's the longest amount of time you've ever spent trying to solve an unsolvable problem? It could be weeks. It could be months. Maybe even longer. When it has happened to me and I discovered that what I was dealing with was a problem that had to be managed, not solved, I was both furious and relieved. Furious at the time wasted, but relieved because I could stop wasting time on it. It's also possible that while we might conjure up a solution to a problem that is causing us fits we could also discover that the problem doesn't even require a solution. It is, in fact, a situation with differences of opinion. Not a problem, but a conflict. Not every conflict can be resolved, but those that can behave differently than problems. There are differences in the perspective. Differences of opinion among the stakeholders. Different ideas of what an ideal solution should look like. What if the problem doesn't need a solution? What if it needs something else? Unthinkable? Onl

Anger. Resentment. Pain. Things get in the way of listening when we see an enemy in front of us. Even when we did not choose the enemy because the enemy chose us. Listening to our enemies is tough. Is it necessary? What are the comparative risks and costs: listening to not listening? It's hard to listen to our enemies and it's so much harder when we don't. When we don't listen to our enemies we miss opportunities to understand the thinking behind their moves. We miss hints and signs of trouble. And, we miss the ability to reach shared meaning and perhaps shared understanding. Even if compassion is not instantaneous, leaders have an obligation to keep it possible. Listen. It is a slow way to peace, but so much faster than fighting. -- doug smith  

How do you resolve a conflict? It's not a trick question. It is a tough question. And, in the end, some conflicts can only be managed until something gives -- we gain understanding, or our opponent gains understanding, or the cause of the conflict becomes irrelevant. Most conflict, though, seems to fall into the win/lose trap until we can skillfully pull it out into mutually shared understanding. Until we can find an outcome that is good for everyone -- what Fisher  & Urie call in "Getting to Yes" mutually beneficial outcomes.  Conflicts don't end without an agreement. As long as there is any shred of loss, the conflict continues. Even if what we imagine is the enemy is completely wiped from the face of the Earth, the source of that enemy remains and will re-appear somewhere down the road. Find the space for agreement. Find the mutually beneficial outcome. Work on what will matter most to everyone concerned: a truly fair resolution. -- doug smith  

Every conflict contains its own kernel of peace. It is not easy to find. Maybe it is too obvious. Your opposition may have figured it out and is holding out for an advantage. Or, maybe that's YOU. We get attached to our conflicts. They wrap around us, they addict us in the adrenaline rush of survival. We cover over solutions just to keep the conflict flames flying. But, it's a choice. Find that kernel of peace. Work it. Share it. Solve it. -- doug smith

It is natural to make mistakes when we find ourselves in conflict. It feels uncomfortable. We want to return to normal. We just want the conflict to stop. But, wait...before you stop that conflict too soon by giving in, please keep this in mind: In a conflict you aren't doing anyone else a favor by letting the other side win. If you lost then it's not over. You'll be back, somehow, someday, someway to try to even the score. And, if you aren't back, the conflict will linger in your memory as a smudge on what might have been. The hard part is finding a mutually beneficial resolution to the conflict. Short of that, just remember that it's not yet over. -- doug smith  

Should we meet in the middle? When we find ourselves locked in a disagreement that won't resolve, stuck inside a problem that we cannot solve, let's take a step back. If we keep pulling apart, where does that take us? If we step a bit closer to each other, where does that take us? When our differences are poles apart perhaps we need to explore common ground in the center. -- doug smith  

Leaders encounter a lot of resistance. You can probably think of at least three examples in your own experience of dealing with people disagreeing with you. It probably made your job tougher. Conflict isn't always bad, but it is usually uncomfortable. Even handled well, it takes time.  What can we do to prevent the kind of resistance that wastes time?  We can disagree about details and still get along if we agree on our values. But if we disagree about our values then our details can't be trusted. To build momentum, agreement, and effectiveness, I think that it starts with shared values.  What do you think? -- doug smith

Sometimes a flexible perspective comes in handy. It is a convenient way to reduce stress. For example, do you know anyone who drives you crazy? Someone who annoys you and creates tension in your life? Most of us do. Here's a little shift in flexible perspective: I like to think of the people who drive me crazy as the people who spark more learning. Since I'm all about learning, anything that sparks more learning must have value. It might not be easy learning, but still worth the experience. What do you think? -- doug smith

Conflict isn't all bad, but it sure feels that way sometimes. That's because some conflict IS bad, very bad indeed and causes harm. Leaders need to be able to navigate conflict and evaluate when the conflict is beyond merit and only causing harm. The more you feed that type of conflict the more it will consume. The side effects take over and drown out the very issue that caused the conflict to begin with. It could have been a natural issue. It could have been a reasonable disagreement. It could have been a struggle for a better way -- and still somehow become entangled in malice. Conflict may come naturally but it doesn't have to leave satisfied. Manage the conflict for the resolution desired, not for the sake of the conflict itself. -- doug smith

Peace, conflict or not, peace. We may disagree. We may possess powerfully different agendas. We can talk about it, shout about it, analyze it inside and out. While we do all that, please...peace. We can always choose peace. Peace, conflict or not, peace. -- doug smith

Every argument contains at least one misunderstanding. Why? So often we are in such a hurry to express ourselves that we don't pay attention to what someone else is saying. Or, we confuse style with content. When we find someone's personality abrasive it's easy to disregard anything they have to offer. Right, or wrong. I learned the hard way that none of us ever has the complete picture. Even when our opinion is correct, it is incomplete. Until we see a more complete picture (we may never know all of the details) we would do well to stay curious.  Every argument starts with misunderstandings, and usually stays there. What if we dug deeper? What if we did stay curious? What if we're wrong - how will we know unless we listen? -- doug smith

Start with common ground to tame the mountain of conflict in front of you. The trail may be long, but it is certain. -- doug smith

All true leaders encounter conflict. It's what you do with it that defines your character. -- doug smith

Are your team members ever angry with you? Whether you are a creative artist, a business person, a not-for-profit consultant...whatever -- when we are doing important, passionate work we will sometimes generate anger. It might be unexpected. It might be provoked. People get angry. Anger can cloud our understanding. We can disagree. We disagree every day with some one (and sometimes it feels like half the world!) The better path, better than getting upset, is to clarify. If we disagree, we can figure out how to understand. Unless we understand, all the anger in the world is wasted energy. High performance leaders find ways to disagree respectfully while staying open to new possibilities. Ever been wrong? I'm wrong at least once a day. Disagreeing with my truth is often useful. Getting angry at it seldom is. -- doug smith

What's your reaction when you find yourself in conflict and yet you are absolutely sure that you're right? Do you dig in on your position? Do you redouble your efforts to convince everyone of your position? Or do you stay curious? Do you stay open to learning? The more certain I am that I'm right the greater the opportunity there is to learn. The next time you are absolutely sure that you're right try asking yourself -- what can I still learn here? It could change everything. -- Douglas Brent Smith