Conflict Needs Agreement

image: https://pixabay.com/photos/digitization-old-new-conflict-fear-3614387/

How do you resolve a conflict?

It's not a trick question. It is a tough question. And, in the end, some conflicts can only be managed until something gives -- we gain understanding, or our opponent gains understanding, or the cause of the conflict becomes irrelevant.

Most conflict, though, seems to fall into the win/lose trap until we can skillfully pull it out into mutually shared understanding. Until we can find an outcome that is good for everyone -- what Fisher & Urie call in "Getting to Yes" mutually beneficial outcomes.

Conflicts don't end without an agreement.

As long as there is any shred of loss, the conflict continues. Even if what we imagine is the enemy is completely wiped from the face of the Earth, the source of that enemy remains and will re-appear somewhere down the road.

Find the space for agreement. Find the mutually beneficial outcome. Work on what will matter most to everyone concerned: a truly fair resolution.

-- doug smith

Comments

Fearless Truth

It takes courage to tell the truth because it's not always popular and it's often risky. Knowing that the truth could get you into trouble will steer some people into lies, which once told tend to perpetuate to the point where the teller doesn't even remember that it's not true. That's not for you. That's not for high performance, centered leaders. While it does take guts to tell the truth, it also takes curiosity, diligence, and interrogation to discover the truth. If it's easy to tell lies, it's even easier to believe them. Asking is more powerful than telling because it helps to uncover the truth, to discover the truth. Our courage increases when we rely on truth. To rely on truth requires identifying it fearlessly. What do you think? -- doug smith

More Than Potential

"She's filled with potential!" "There's no limit to his potential!" "They're nothing but unlimited potential!" It's both promising and frightening to be described as someone who is filled with potential. It means that a) the potential is still unfulfilled, and b) may NEVER be fulfilled. Still, aren't we ALL filled with potential. No matter what we have accomplished or failed to accomplish there is more ahead of us to be done. Potential might get you started. It might open a door or two. Potential will take you only as far as your discipline drives you onward. Whatever you're capable of still requires your action. What are you working on that is potentially awesome? -- doug smith

Courage Against Corruption

Even when it looks like corruption is everywhere, we do not have to let it rule. Leaders need the courage to resist corruption -- no matter how small and no matter how large and no matter for how long. When in doubt tell the truth, play fair, and act with integrity. Anything else will always catch up to you. -- doug smith

Wisdom Knows No Age

It's not years that make you smart, even though time can help. It's not age that develops wisdom, although heaven knows as we get older we should gain some wisdom. If you've never heard a profound piece of wisdom expressed by a child, then I suggest more conversations with children. They are often astounding in their wisdom, unfiltered as it may be by cultural expectations. Wisdom knows no age. Wisdom knows no limits. What have you learned today? -- doug smith

Small but Growing

Bumping into our limitations is irritating, isn't it? It's a distant, but vivid memory I have of eagerly raising my hand in class because I knew the answer, only to discover that my answer was incorrect. Ouch. It was one of those small things that felt like a big thing. I often call myself a "recovering know-it-all" because the more I learn the more I realize the vast amount of things that I do not know. The first answer that comes to me is not always correct. There is always more to learn. We're all small at some level. Knowing that level leads to growth. -- doug smith

Put In The Work

Are you a positive thinker or a negative thinker? Or, maybe you're something in-between, a kind of situational-thinker. Given the choice between negative and positive, I've found that positive thinking does a better job of keeping me on track and helping me feel better. Positive thinking is great. Positive thinking is uplifting and filled with hope. But, positive thinking is not enough. Positive thinking only works if you put in the work. That's why I work so hard, how about you? -- doug smith

Continue The Search

What happens when you've found what you've been looking for? If it was difficult, if you worked hard, if there were some challenges along the way you will likely be grateful and satisfied. How long will that satisfaction last? We are meant to be happy. We are meant to be fulfilled. But, we're not meant to stand still. Find what you're looking for and then keep looking. Growth is always ahead of you. -- doug smith

Fear and Change

Change, while necessary, can also provoke fear. Solving problems requires change. Given a choice, it's easy to shy away from the fear of change. We hold onto our problems when change causes fear. Stay centered, manage those emotions, and reach for courage instead of fear. What if you DID solve that problem by changing the process, the situation, or the interpersonal dynamics? You can. Fear might just be the excitement you feel from the shift of the solution. -- doug smith

Centering Questions

Centered leaders ask the questions that others are afraid to ask. Questions like: What's your vision of success? Is the organization doing all that it can to support your development? What part of serving our customers do you enjoy the most? Are given enough choices in how you do your work? Do you feel connected in meaningful ways to other people here? Questions like that. Deep, thinking, honest, open questions. What would be a good question for you to ask today? -- doug smith

Better Still

I don't like rejection, yet it's a part of life. I don't like it when people don't support a project that I'm working on, and still there are usually people who don't see the value in a new change. How about you? We could take that personally and stop doing the thing that matters so much to us -- or we could do something else. We could improve that thing. We could make that thing shine. We could make that thing irresistible. We could use that feedback to find new ways to achieve our goal. "They" as we so often like to call "them" don't know what's best for you -- and still they can be seriously helpful. When they tear down your plans, build something better. Won't that feel great? -- doug smith

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