doug smith training

Conflict is not always bad. Sometimes it is necessary. We do get to choose how we approach it. Do we treat the opposition respectfully? Do we include dignity and opportunity as we negotiate? Even when we are uncomfortable with conflict (which is most of the time for many of us) it is only thru conflict that we can resolve issues of inequity. Peace is an excellent first choice, but not always available. Completely avoiding conflict could lead to complete surrender. Don't surrender. Negotiate. -- doug smith 

Too much drama at work? The answer is almost always "YES!"  Difficult behaviors, difficult people, conflict after conflict can cause us aggravation. What's worse is when drama is piled on top of the conflict, and it almost always is. "There's so wrong!" "She's so difficult!" "He went behind my back!" "This would be a nice place to work if it wasn't for..." You get the idea and you no doubt feel the drama. We are constantly trained to be dramatic to get what we want, to respond when we don't get what we want, or to simply get attention. It's on TV. It's in literature. It's in the movies. It's even on youtube. Drama, drama, everywhere. It's natural that we'd come to think that drama is natural. Even if it is, it is still a choice. Do you want to make something dramatic, or do you want to dial it down? Do you want to remain centered and calm, or do you want to bathe yourself and others in drama? ...

  Everything is open to interpretation. To dispute this is an interpretation. It is, therefore, indisputable. Or is it? Stay curious. Let's see what happens. -- doug smith

Whenever I ask a group the following question, the answer is a resounding "yes." Is there too much drama at work? Drama feeds on itself. People who crave the drama may not even know that they do, they simply repeat whatever it takes to make any situation emotional. Run out of supplies? It must be somebody's fault = drama! Behind schedule on that big project? = drama! Struggling with demanding and unreasonable customers? = drama! Drama creates tension that craves release -- which likely then drums up more drama. Breathe. Slow down. Skip the blame and play a new game -- one of cooperation, curiosity, and respect. My latest way of dealing with drama is simply to pause long enough to smile -- as I ponder: "Ah, I recognize this. Drama!" It's completely made-up, and it can be completely by-passed. ; Manage the drama so that it does not manage you.

Whenever I ask the question "is there too much drama at work?" the answer is a resounding and nearly unanimous "yes!"  What do you think? Where does all that drama come from? Drama comes from conflict, from unmet needs, from interpersonal problems, from economic hardship, from overwork and overwhelm...drama comes from an endless supply of sources. But... Drama enters on our own invitation. You can have the problems and the drama, or you can simply deal with the problems and leave the drama where it belongs: in entertainment. Having worked for many years in entertainment I learned that drama is better left on the stage and we need better ways to meet the rage.  What do you think? -- doug smith  

Anger. Resentment. Pain. Things get in the way of listening when we see an enemy in front of us. Even when we did not choose the enemy because the enemy chose us. Listening to our enemies is tough. Is it necessary? What are the comparative risks and costs: listening to not listening? It's hard to listen to our enemies and it's so much harder when we don't. When we don't listen to our enemies we miss opportunities to understand the thinking behind their moves. We miss hints and signs of trouble. And, we miss the ability to reach shared meaning and perhaps shared understanding. Even if compassion is not instantaneous, leaders have an obligation to keep it possible. Listen. It is a slow way to peace, but so much faster than fighting. -- doug smith  

How do you resolve a conflict? It's not a trick question. It is a tough question. And, in the end, some conflicts can only be managed until something gives -- we gain understanding, or our opponent gains understanding, or the cause of the conflict becomes irrelevant. Most conflict, though, seems to fall into the win/lose trap until we can skillfully pull it out into mutually shared understanding. Until we can find an outcome that is good for everyone -- what Fisher  & Urie call in "Getting to Yes" mutually beneficial outcomes.  Conflicts don't end without an agreement. As long as there is any shred of loss, the conflict continues. Even if what we imagine is the enemy is completely wiped from the face of the Earth, the source of that enemy remains and will re-appear somewhere down the road. Find the space for agreement. Find the mutually beneficial outcome. Work on what will matter most to everyone concerned: a truly fair resolution. -- doug smith  

Every conflict contains its own kernel of peace. It is not easy to find. Maybe it is too obvious. Your opposition may have figured it out and is holding out for an advantage. Or, maybe that's YOU. We get attached to our conflicts. They wrap around us, they addict us in the adrenaline rush of survival. We cover over solutions just to keep the conflict flames flying. But, it's a choice. Find that kernel of peace. Work it. Share it. Solve it. -- doug smith

It is natural to make mistakes when we find ourselves in conflict. It feels uncomfortable. We want to return to normal. We just want the conflict to stop. But, wait...before you stop that conflict too soon by giving in, please keep this in mind: In a conflict you aren't doing anyone else a favor by letting the other side win. If you lost then it's not over. You'll be back, somehow, someday, someway to try to even the score. And, if you aren't back, the conflict will linger in your memory as a smudge on what might have been. The hard part is finding a mutually beneficial resolution to the conflict. Short of that, just remember that it's not yet over. -- doug smith  

Should we meet in the middle? When we find ourselves locked in a disagreement that won't resolve, stuck inside a problem that we cannot solve, let's take a step back. If we keep pulling apart, where does that take us? If we step a bit closer to each other, where does that take us? When our differences are poles apart perhaps we need to explore common ground in the center. -- doug smith