Key Questions to Stay Curious

photo of Rusty by Judi Madigan

How curious are you?

In my workshops on communication and achieving your goals I point out how important it is to listen with curiosity. We are most attentive when we are most curious. Instead of jumping to conclusions or judging before it's necessary, high performance leaders center their listening around staying curious.

How do you do that?

One way is by asking relevant questions. One of my mentors, Lester T. Shapiro (who wrote the book The Training Effectiveness Handbook) once said that the primary role of leaders is to ask relevant questions.

Here are some questions that I've found extremely relevant and that help me to remain curious:

What is your case?

We are always building a case and not always aware of the case that we're building or why. It might not even serve our best interests, and yet we can talk ourselves into anything. Stay curious about what you really want, what you think you want and (most importantly) is what you think is true really true?

What is your goal?

What do you want to achieve? Are you sure? Are you committed? Is your goal in this situation compatible with who you want to be known as?

What is your agenda?

What are you doing, consciously or unconsciously, to create the environment you just operate in? Is that what you want? What might you need to change to create your best possible world? Who can help? When will you begin?

What are your assumptions?

Interrogate your truth (as Susan Scott would say. For more on this see her great book Fierce Conversations). Identify possibilities, fallacies, misdirections, lies, hallucinations, dreams, rationalizations, and all fuzzy thinking. Stop making shit up!

What is unknown?

Identify the missing pieces. What's happening in the background? What has led to the current situation? Know what you don't know so that you can learn it. What do you need? Figure out what other people are looking for in the situation and if you can all reach a mutually beneficial outcome. Sometimes we're drawn into a competition that isn't even needed.

What do you need?

What do you need and where can you find it ini order to achieve your goals? Who can help? Be very honest about what resources you must have, and which are simply desirable but not critical. The first step to getting what you need, in order to get what you want, is to know what you need.

What are you curious about?

Stay open and curious no matter what. Consider wild, fun, miraculous possibilities. Stop judging and simply accept. You can always evaluate later on. That inner judge or inner critic is not gone for good, just on a break. Make the most of it. Challenge assumptions. Challenge limitations. Challenge imperfections. Smile.

That last point, to smile, is not a humorous throwaway. I mean it. Smile. See what a difference it makes. And for heaven's sake -- stay curious!

-- Doug Smith

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Be Amazing

Circumstances influence how we act. While we all do have limitations, we can all also exceed and overcome many of those limitations. To be honest, we can all be amazing when we need to be. Whatever is going on, that capacity, that ability awaits. Push that button. Ignite that fire. Step on the gas. We can be amazing when we don't have any other choice. Remove the other choices because they are not for you. Instead: be amazing! -- doug smith

Courage to Speak

There have been times when I wanted to say something because I thought that it was important and yet didn't say it. I learned that avoiding a difficult conversation usually leads to even more difficulties. Keeping a problem to yourself is not a great strategy. The words won't be perfect. We might sweat when we say them. Disagreement could rise. That's fine. If it is important to you, say it. Sometimes it's less about what you say and more about your willingness to say it. If it takes courage to speak, you should probably speak. -- doug smith

Word Power

If you've ever had a boss say something mean to you, it's likely that you still remember it vividly. You probably won't ever forget it. Leaders do need to provide feedback and much of that feedback may be constructive -- coaching involves helping others improve their skills in order to achieve their goals -- but that constructive feedback can, and should, be delivered in a positive, dignified way. Not mean. Not nasty. Not insulting. Words meant to hurt are better left unsaid. -- doug smith

Those Annoying Opportunities

Sometimes people can get on your nerves. Interrupting, ignoring, disagreeing, even laughing at the wrong time can feel like an intended insult. Taking that kind of interaction as an insult, though, will not improve the quality of the interaction. I like to think of the people who drive me crazy as the people who spark more learning. It might not be the lesson they want to teach me that I learn, but there is certainly something there worth learning. If we missed all learning that wasn't fun we'd miss a whole lot of learning. Those annoying learning opportunities are sometimes exactly what we need. -- doug smith ]

Talk About It Because...

You can't fix everything by talking about it but you can't fix anything unless you do. Talk about it. Sometimes it will seem rough. There may be deep feelings involved. The words may come slowly. Maybe even the wrong words will come. It is a challenge. Talk about it anyway. What unresolved issue do you need to talk about? -- doug smith

Trust the Truth

It's hard to escape it: there are lies everywhere. Behind every lie is a liar, someone who knows that they are deceiving people. The lies might be obvious. They might even rationalize the lies into harmless ways around the truth. There is no way around the truth. The only way to the truth is telling the truth. It's tempting to rationalize our own reactions to lies. After all, they lied first so what's the harm in twisting the truth just a little for a good cause. No. You can't stop a liar from lying, but you don't have to play a liar's game. High performance leaders with integrity tell the truth. -- doug smith

Test True

How often is your truth tested? How often do people check to make sure that everything you've communicated to them is true? When it comes to your team, the answer is every day. High performance leaders can not stand to slip and deceive anyone on the team because it is sure to be caught. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe some time down the road, but it will surely be caught and when it is, the team becomes a bit less effective Every day your truth is tested so you might as well make it true. If you're going to be tested, you might as well test true. -- doug smith

Why We Need Another Opinion

Do you remember your last wrong decision? It probably felt right at the time. Surely, the logic that you used was precise and strong. But, still it didn't turn out the way that you'd prefer. Leaders benefit from multiple opinions and varied views. We can get so locked into a decision that we forget to truly test it. Are we getting carried away? Have we forgotten about hidden bias? Is it just too emotional a reaction to the situation? The trouble with a gut reaction is that it often eventually makes you sick. Instincts often stink. We need reminders, we need calibrators, we need alternatives. Our own memories are so flawed that they are hardly trustworthy. Test those assumptions, validate those memories, get the help that you need. -- doug smith

Respect and Kindness

Communicating effectively includes talking about the tough stuff. We might even appear confrontational when we oppose with strength and courage. We can disagree and keep talking. As long as we listen and keep an open mind, we can influence best when we are open to being influenced. Part of that is speaking, and listening, with respect and kindness. Creating, and preserving a sense of dignity. When we cana talk about it with respect and kindness we can talk about anything. Seems like a good place to start. -- doug smith

Appreciate Your Team

While we are each different, we all share many things in common. One thing your team members do share in common is the need to be appreciated. No one wants to feel taken for granted. It doesn't cost a thing to say "thank you" once in a while and it adds so much positivity that we should probably do it more often. We all want to be recognized and appreciated. As leaders, we are in a position to do more of that, so why not start today? -- doug smith P.S. Thanks for reading this!

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