doug smith training

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "not so good" and 10 being excellent, how good a listener are you? If you think you are a ten, good for you! You must be very fun to talk with! And if like most of us you are something less than a 10, that's OK, too. We can always learn how to listen better. It is a skill so highly valued and yet so seldom practiced that the opportunity to listen better is limitless. We don't have to follow every voice we hear but we can certainly learn a lot by listening. Let's level-up our listening today. Let's find out what we can learn... -- doug smith  

  We lead the way we communicate. It's hard to tell one from the other. The way you communicate defines your style. The way you communicate determines whether people will be influenced by you or if they will resist you. There isn't any separating the development of leadership from improving communication. You need them both. Think of all of your leadership opportunities: conversations, meetings, presentations, rallies, speeches, huddles, feedback, evaluations...all of it centered on how you communicate. If you want to be a great high performance leader, it starts with effective communication. -- doug smith

There have been times when I was teaching a program called "Communicating With Tact and Diplomacy" when one or more of the participants would tell me "this is my last chance -- HR sent me here to fix me or I'm gone..." How's that for a challenge? Get fixed or get gone. I very often tell people that I can't fix anyone because people are not broken in places I know how to fix. But, that's not a great thing to say to someone who has their working life on the line. It might sound diplomatic, but it is not helpful, and maybe not entirely true. Entirely true? What even does that mean? Isn't something true or NOT? The point is, we do not need to fix anyone in order to help them fix the way they perform. In my classes I do sometimes help people become more diplomatic -- but that is a start, not an end destination. There is something better than diplomacy and that is compassionate truth. It's harder, it takes more time, it's often easily misunders...

  How often do you avoid difficult conversations? Most people avoid difficult talks a lot, don't you think. I've been known to conduct both ends of a conversation in my head for weeks, and never get around to actually initiating the conversation. Because that's what it takes -- to initiate the conversation. Maybe even to frame it from the standpoint of you don't know HOW it will turn out (so what's the point of rehearsing it?) but for sure you do know that it will not be perfect. A difficult conversation does not need to be perfect. Nothing ever is. Difficult conversations become easier when we don't expect them to be perfect -- or easy. -- doug smith

The truth won't disappear even if you hide it. It might be possible to hide the truth for a while, but it will inevitably emerge. Are you someone who tries to hide the truth, or are you someone who reveals the truth? Either way, there is skill behind the effort. Oh, and either way the truth will still bubble to the top. -- doug smith

Think about the best communicator you know. Not someone famous (unless you know them) but rather someone you interact with.  Have you noticed their communication skills get better over time? (If they didn't, you might have a different view on them...) No doubt they work on it and keep developing those communication skills. There's always something to learn. We are never finished developing our communication skills. I know I've got a lot of learning to do when it comes to communication. How about you?  Think again about that great communicator you know. Could it be the some of the times you felt they were the best at communicating that it had very little to do with what they said, but more with what they didn't say? Could it be that the way they listen says more than they could say any other way? Saying it best by listening is always welcome. I'm going to try to do that more often. How about you? -- doug smith

As a recovering know-it-all I have stopped pretending that I know everything. No one does, so how could I know everything? But, there's still an endless thirst to learn everything, to gather as much knowledge as I can and put it to use and then share it.  That comes with lots of reading, tons of research, and constant education. And -- best of all -- with lots of questions. Every useful answer started as a brilliant question. Start with a question, and maybe the knowledge will flow. And if it doesn't --- ask a better question! -- doug smith Note: If you've been in any of my events you probably know that I learned to ask a better question from one of my mentors, Andrew Oxley. His exact quote is "if you don't like the answer to a question -- ask a better question." Thanks again, Andrew!

Sometimes a flexible perspective comes in handy. It is a convenient way to reduce stress. For example, do you know anyone who drives you crazy? Someone who annoys you and creates tension in your life? Most of us do. Here's a little shift in flexible perspective: I like to think of the people who drive me crazy as the people who spark more learning. Since I'm all about learning, anything that sparks more learning must have value. It might not be easy learning, but still worth the experience. What do you think? -- doug smith

Have you ever been at a loss for words? Doesn't it always happen at an inconvenient time? I'm sure it doesn't happen to every one but for some of us, under pressure, forced to say something, we can't say anything at all. It's like an animal that freezes at the sign of danger -- maybe if we sit very still the awkwardness will go away. It won't go away on its own. But, you know what does help? Connection.  I discovered that the awkward feeling gives me a choice -- I can detach completely (or try to) which leads to even more tension, or I can see that feeling as a kind of connection. Someone cares enough to want a response. That is no small thing. That is, in fact, a wonderful thing. We're connected! Once I see the connection, communicating becomes much easier because it is suddenly less threatening.  Try it. I think you'll like it. The next time (and thereafter) when you feel that awkward silence controlling you because of uncertainty or nervousness just b...

Has anyone ever given you the "cold shoulder" by refusing to talk to you? They know you're there, they avoid you, they simply stop communicating...How did that feel? It feels bad. Maybe we've all done it at one time or another, suddenly becoming uncommunicative. In some relationships it can last for years, slowly drifting apart until there's nothing left in common. It doesn't have to be that way. As awkward as it feels, talk about it. Get the issues on the table. Chances are that neither one of you are completely right or completely wrong. Forgive the other person so that you can forgive yourself -- because until that happens there will always be a lingering hurt. Refusing to talk feels like a harsh punishment.  It feels like fighting, when understanding would be better for all concerned. Talk about it. -- doug smith

It's not easy for me to admit when I'm wrong. It's even harder if I don't see that I am, yet somehow...later on, my perspective shifts and I see what the other person must have been seeing differently. That's one reason I've learned to pause before defending a message. I'm still working on it. We usually do have a moment to pause and think thru our response. What if you are wrong?  When we are wrong and we admit it, we can usually recover the damage that might have been done. We can, with dignity and respect, restore the relationship to what it was before we said what was wrong. It's a big if, it's a might if, and it's an if worth considering. It hurts to admit you're wrong, yet when you're wrong it hurts more NOT to. -- doug smith

A truth that you don't know is more dangerous than a truth that you DO know. Find the truth. You can take it. -- doug smith

Lies lead to lies and there lies the problem. Clarity is the solution. We tolerate, we generate, too many darn lies. What are we afraid of with truth? Why do we try to deceive one another? Lies, lies, lies. A lie opens the door to air the truth, if we can spot the lie. We can always spot the lie. It's not like they are so hard to find. Besides being everywhere, they are usually painfully obvious. Let's lean  on the truth instead. The cold, hard, honest truth. If the truth isn't kind, there is more truth to find. Keep looking. Keep telling the truth. -- doug smith

Do you avoid tough conversations? If we know that we need to talk something over, but avoid it because it makes us uneasy, the difficulty remains unresolved. If we avoid talking with someone because THEY are difficult to talk with (maybe they sulk, or yell, or roll their eyes...) the problem remains stuck AND it remains ours. That's not what leaders want. Taking the time to learn how to better communicate in those tough situations helps leaders to reach their team members, assert their needs with their bosses, and collaborate more successfully with their peers. It's a win for everyone when communication prospers with clarity, courage, creativity, and compassion. It's not easy. That's what differentiates high performance leaders. High performance leaders initiate the tough conversations that others avoid . It gets easier with training and practice, just like any other skill. And while tough conversations may never feel like a breeze, they are often the path to...

How quickly do you make up your mind about whether someone is right or wrong? Is it possible that you sometimes make up your mind too quickly? It happens frequently. That proposes an additional challenge of forcing someone to defend a position before they know for sure that it's THEIR best option. I've done it. You've probably done it, too. I've decided to turn away a sales offer that clearly could have been a benefit to me. Why? I'd made up my mind not to buy. I've also turned away great invitations just because I'd already decided to keep a time free, instead of staying open to new opportunities. The new opportunities MIGHT have been fantastic, but once I stopped listening it became impossible to tell. How about you? The fix to this problem is simple and easy: listen. Before you make up your mind, listen with genuine, sincere curiosity. Maybe you know, and maybe you don't -- listen. It becomes harder to listen when we become convinced that s...

When was the last time that you misunderstood someone? It might have been more recent than you think. We are all misunderstood sometimes. Without clarifying and confirming, we are misunderstood far too many times. Remember, most of the time we misunderstand something we are not aware of our misunderstanding. Clarify constantly. -- doug smith

In every workshop I facilitate - every one - I share this important piece of wisdom from one of my mentors, Andrew Oxley: "if you don't like the answer to a question, ask a better question." That's profound. That's powerful. That's endlessly useful. Often, people will struggle with that. Sometimes they ask, "How do you ask better questions? What if you can't think of one?" Here's the answer. Ask with curiosity and you'll think of better questions. Stay curious, my friend. -- doug smith

People are constantly trying to communicate. We can't take for granted that we are hearing them or that we are heard. It takes concerted listening with curiosity. When we don't put in the effort to truly listen, the message keeps coming at us. When we misunderstand the message, the message keeps coming at us. Every time we fail to listen the volume increases. I'm working on listening better. How about you? -- doug smith

The more agreements we create (and honor) the deeper our conversations (and relationships) become. -- doug smith

We live at a time defined by our differences. Arguments prevail. Dialogue, once so vibrant, is often disturbed by the percussive discussions of differing views. These differing views could lead to valuable insights, if we were just able and willing to examine our differences. What if we could share our perspectives without judging each other? It could start by opening up, by telling more about who each of us really is inside. Where do the things we say come from? What makes us who we are? Tell your story. Tell your views. Share your perspective. When we can do that with an open mind, any level of communication becomes possible. Who will know who you really are unless you tell them? Talk about it. Then, listen. -- doug smith