Turn That Feedback Upside Down

image: https://pixabay.com/photos/feedback-report-back-business-people-3653368/

Is feedback painful? Do you hate both giving AND receiving feedback?

Most people, in my experience, tend to avoid feedback because there is pain and even emotional trauma attached. Critical feedback hurts. Positive feedback, when it comes at all, isn't always enough to counter the trauma of the critical feedback.

We do need critical feedback. We need to be able to benefit from observations and experiences to improve our performance going forward. As leaders, we have a responsibility to provide our team members with both support and challenge. Feedback should be part of that challenge.

But it's not really "feedback" unless it's flipped upside down.

image: https://media.musiciansfriend.com/is/image/MMGS7/Vintage-1974-Fender-VIBROSONIC-Tube-Guitar-Combo-Amp/000000119462487-00-500x500.jpg

On my Fender amplifier, if I play my guitar too loud and too close to the speaker the sound feeds-back. I like that sound (it reminds me of Jimi Hendrix) but many people don't and it certainly would not fit in most worship services or orchestra pits. The feedback is essentially telling me to turn it down.

But I don't need (nor want) anyone else to tell me that. I can simply observe the noise and adjust the sound by taking action.

What if we thought of feedback (or advice) like that? What if we turned it upside down?

Most models of feedback recommend a process that starts with connection (good so far) and then as early as step two give your advice, state your data...something like that. To the person receiving the feedback, it's when you unload on them.

Ouch.

I've got a better way. Turn it upside down.

Agreement: connect and agree to share some observations about a recent performance.
Their observations: ask them first for their observations on the performance. What worked well for them? What, if anything, would they change next time?
Ask if they'd like to hear your observations. If they say "yes" then provide your observations. If they decline, explore their reluctance and look for an agreement for when would be a good time to share your observations.
Commitment: close on an agreement for what to expect in the future. What changes, if any, will be made? How important is the agreement? How committed are you both at supporting the change?

Here's the slide from one of my Feedback classes:

It's not the ONLY way to approach feedback. It IS one more thing to remember but it's easy enough: just reverse the order of the feedback. THEY go first, and THEN you go. Often, their self-evaluation will be far more critical than yours ever would have been and you can simply agree "what an accurate observation -- that's what I thought..."

Try it. See what difference it makes.

-- doug smith

Comments

Speak Your Mind

I like people who speak their mind, people who say what they're thinking with radical honesty. You can learn a lot that way, especially when you disagree. Not everyone will appreciate radical honesty. They want you to hide the ugly truths. They want you to sugar-coat the feedback. That's why even when telling your truth without filters feels right (and it does) we still need to ready for reactions to that truth. Disagreement takes many forms. Some forms of disagreement are healthy, and some are not. You've no doubt experienced both. Speak your mind but remember that it will likely generate a response. -- doug smith

Rival as Coach

Competition can be rough but it can also be educational. If you study your opponent you might learn their secrets. If you can listen to your opposition, they might be sending you valuable signals that could improve your own performance. What if your rival is also your best coach? -- doug smith

Dream...and then get to work

It's good to have dreams. It's where most goals begin, with a meaningful dream. Picturing yourself succeeding is a great technique (used in neurolinguistic programming, NLP and elsewhere). It's not enough, though. If you think you can just conjure up success by dreaming about it or manifesting it, good luck. Take it a step (or twenty) farther than that. Do the work. Dream all you want -- and then, get to work. -- doug smith

The Problem With Compromises

Think about the last time you compromised on something. Whether it was a big compromise or a little compromise, how do you feel about it now? While we often call it "meet in the middle" it seldom does. Compromises are not automatically fair, no matter how implied that fairness is. Someone usually gets more out of a compromise than the person they are "compromising" with. If the low end is you, you don't like it -- and you remember that. If the top end of the compromise is you, you probably forget all about it even though the inequity simmers in the background. Compromises must be constantly revisited because they are inevitably unfair. If you get the chance to balance things out, your relationship will prosper. If you miss that chance, the relationship will suffer. What's your choice? -- doug smith

Unconditional Giving

Is giving easy for you, or do you find it hard? Do you serve gladly, or with resentment? Do you give conditionally, or unconditionally? What if we are made whole by giving ourselves away? That just might change a lot of answers... -- doug smith

Can I Ask Too Many Questions?

Have you ever been really interrogated? Have you ever been asked so many questions that it felt aggressive and intrusive, like an inquisition? There are times when it feels like we've had enough questioning. That could be a valid conclusion, or it could be a sign to open our minds and expand our perspective. Leaders must ask questions. We must ask open-ended, probing, curious questions. The truth could be in the fifteenth answer instead of the first. Keep asking. Respectfully ask, of course. And, then keep asking. Can I ask too many questions? What's your answer? -- doug smith

Show Up!

"You've got to be there. Big decisions are being made!" my former boss told me a long time ago. "If your voice is in the room you might be heard..." It was good advice then and it still is. Show up. When there's a goal you're working on and an opportunity appears to advance that goal -- show up. When changes are being made that will affect you -- show up! When it matters to you -- show up. You won't always get what you want by showing up, but you never will if you don't! -- doug smith

Pause

"Not so fast!" "What?" "I didn't say yes. At least not yet. Be careful of assuming it's a yes..." I don't like to be pushed, how about you? I don't like it when people assume that any answer that is not a no must logically be a yes. Maybe not. It's fine to pause. It's worth thinking. No one can fault you for taking a breath, or two, or three! A pause, before a promise, can prevent that promise from being broken. I'd like to be someone who keeps my promises. How about you? -- doug smith

Clarify and then Work

Where does success start? It starts with the goal. What is it that you really, really want? Clarifying what your goal is can save you hours, weeks, and years of frustration. Work on what matters. Work on your goals. -- doug smith

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