doug smith training

  Whenever I feel myself getting defensive, and whenever I catch myself defending a point I haven't even completely thought thru yet, I realize that what I need is to stay curious. Quiet. Open minded. In discovery mode, not defending mode. There's plenty of time to defend later. The impulse to argue is your signal to stay curious. Mine, too. -- doug smith

Dissonance is the start of the search for truth. Keep searching. -- doug smith  

If you want to communicate better you may need to communicate more often. Maybe even every day. Reach out to each team member, no matter where they are, and try these three things today: Appreciate Challenge Encourage It doesn't take an hour. It doesn't require a video. Just reach out. You'll like the effect that it has. You'll feel like doing it again. Go ahead.  -- doug smith

Every argument contains at least one misunderstanding. Why? So often we are in such a hurry to express ourselves that we don't pay attention to what someone else is saying. Or, we confuse style with content. When we find someone's personality abrasive it's easy to disregard anything they have to offer. Right, or wrong. I learned the hard way that none of us ever has the complete picture. Even when our opinion is correct, it is incomplete. Until we see a more complete picture (we may never know all of the details) we would do well to stay curious.  Every argument starts with misunderstandings, and usually stays there. What if we dug deeper? What if we did stay curious? What if we're wrong - how will we know unless we listen? -- doug smith

Here's a challenge for you. I'm not concerned about a wrong answer or a right answer. I'm curious about your answer. Here goes: To argue is to lose your audience. What do you think? We've all done this at one time or another, been so certain that our position is right that not only is the other person's position wrong, but THEY'RE wrong, too. Oh, so wrong. That turns a position into an opinion and into an emotion.  What do you think? If we enter emotional ground, does our think fog beyond reason? To argue is to lose your audience. Or is it? -- doug smith  

Do you talk a lot? Do you remember everything you say? Is it possible that you might have said something that: a) inspired someone b) motivated someone c) bored someone d) insulted someone Possibly. Probably. Sure. Even beyond the point of your remembering what you said. I've said things that I later regretted long after being able to remember what it was that I said. The feeling remains. Someone else retains the message (even if it's not the message that was intended.) Everything you say is remembered by someone. How do you want to be remembered? -- doug smith

Is there something on your mind that you are not talking about? Do you need a conversation with someone but keep avoiding it? It's tough, isn't it? The conversations that feel like the toughest only get tougher the longer they are delayed. Talk about it. Talk about it now. -- doug smith

There's a lot of arguing going on. Does it seem to you like it's getting worse each day? People are losing friends, people are ignoring each other, people are letting logic slip out of their heads while the emotional train takes over. It doesn't have to be that way. You have some control of whether or not (and how) you argue. The next time you are about to argue, try keeping this in mind: the impulse to argue is a signal to stay curious instead. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll teach something. There's plenty of room to interact respectfully. -- doug smith

True story: when I was much younger I was known to tell a tale or two. They were usually rooted in reality, but I'd embellish the truth to make it more interesting. Like that story I'd tell about my trip to McSorley's in New York when I ran into John Lennon. We had a nice conversation. Except, he wasn't there. I thought of him, and he lived in New York at the time, but seriously was much more likely to be on the other side of town. Go figure. How many times did I tell that tale? Maybe once or twice. Once to my best friend at the time. Did she believe me? Not if she knew me well enough... How about you? Do your fish stories end up with bigger fish than you actually caught? Do you augment reality with some great tales? I got a great gift last December from one of my good friends and fraternity brother, David Spiegel. It's a coffee mug with the saying "Keep telling the stories" written on it. I love it. I don't think that he meant "tell tales."

Communicate as if your career depended on it. It does. -- doug smith

Who likes rejection? Me, either. And yet there is something even worse than rejection. Something that gets us all worked up and nervous, something that creates the kind of environment where rejection becomes certain: fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is far worse than rejection. Make the request. Listen for the answer. Move ahead. -- doug smith Leadership Action Plan Leaders must deal with rejection on a daily basis. Today, the very next time someone rejects one of your requests, pause in silence for three full seconds.  Stay curious, and find out what they might need in order to give you what you requested.

What do you do when you know that your feedback for someone on your team will be tough to hear? Before I learned better, I would sometimes just keep the feedback to myself. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, after all. And they made it this far without that feedback so... But that's not the most compassionate approach. Withholding something that could make someone's life and performance better is not being sensitive, it's being ineffective. Tell them what's going on. Tell them what you are thinking. Offer your suggestions. It can still be kind. It can even be graceful. It might even contain a bit of humor. But it's best as feedback when it is clear and to the point. Prepare for that difficult feedback. You already know that there are right ways and wrong ways to deliver feedback. Plan, and practice. Get it right. Before you give feedback imagine how it would feel to hear that directed at you -- and then adjust accordingly. Be the boss y

How we communicate is how we lead. High performance leaders communicate clearly, creatively, courageously, and with compassion. Clear, so that the message is understood. The mission is strongly centered as the focus. The goals are clearly aligned with the mission. The leadership actions support the goals. Creatively, because problems are not easily solved and do require new ideas. Because people prosper better in a creative environment. Because growth is the preferred direction. Courageously, because the more important your work is the more resistance you are likely to encounter and it takes guts to overcome that. It takes courage to stand your ground against the temptations to cut corners and shave ethics. It takes courage to keep going when it feels like your cause is lost. It takes courage to stand up to your boss in support of your own team. Compassion, because while high performance leaders must deliver on their goals and produce increasingly outstanding and high qual

High performance leaders tell the truth. Since that can sometimes be hard, we are often tempted to stretch the truth (in other words, to lie.) While lies can fool people for a while, the truth will inevitably emerge. How will you feel when it does? Telling a lie only proves that you haven't thought of a better answer.  You do have a better answer: the truth. The truth will prevail. Tell the truth. -- doug smith

A truth that you don't know is more dangerous than a truth that you DO know. Find the truth. You can take it. -- doug smith

Lies lead to lies and there lies the problem. Clarity is the solution. We tolerate, we generate, too many darn lies. What are we afraid of with truth? Why do we try to deceive one another? Lies, lies, lies. A lie opens the door to air the truth, if we can spot the lie. We can always spot the lie. It's not like they are so hard to find. Besides being everywhere, they are usually painfully obvious. Let's lean  on the truth instead. The cold, hard, honest truth. If the truth isn't kind, there is more truth to find. Keep looking. Keep telling the truth. -- doug smith

Are you gifted with sarcasm? Many leaders take great joy in their sarcastic responses to questions and requests. It communicates a type of cynicism. Meant to be funny, but usually the only person who actually thinks that a sarcastic comment is funny is the person delivering it. It's not that everyone is too sensitive. They just don't appreciate sarcasm. As leaders, let's be careful to say what we mean, instead of verbally insulting someone else. What do you think? -- doug smith

When was the last time you caught someone in a lie? How did you react? It was probably not that long ago, maybe even today. People lie to each other everyday. Some of those lies we let pass, but some startle us so much in their boldness, in their malice, in their deviousness that we are emotionally moved to do something about it. What should we do? We could react with anger. That is sure to stir up more anger. We could react with sadness. Surely, we have every reason to be sad, but what will that accomplish? A better reaction? Call to question the statement in question. Here are some things that work for me: "I'm not sure that I understood what you just said, could you say it another way?" or "I'm not sure I agree with that. Can you convince me?" or "Wow." (the word I sometimes say when I can't think of what to say -- OR I'm thinking of a word that would not be socially acceptable or polite. And yes, even when you catch a lie

Sometimes the best place to start is to talk about it. -- doug smith

Until you can communicate your perspective to your team, how will they ever give their best effort to achieving your goals? We all see things differently. Let your team know how YOU see things. -- doug smith