doug smith training

Here's a challenge for you. I'm not concerned about a wrong answer or a right answer. I'm curious about your answer. Here goes: To argue is to lose your audience. What do you think? We've all done this at one time or another, been so certain that our position is right that not only is the other person's position wrong, but THEY'RE wrong, too. Oh, so wrong. That turns a position into an opinion and into an emotion.  What do you think? If we enter emotional ground, does our think fog beyond reason? To argue is to lose your audience. Or is it? -- doug smith  

Do you talk a lot? Do you remember everything you say? Is it possible that you might have said something that: a) inspired someone b) motivated someone c) bored someone d) insulted someone Possibly. Probably. Sure. Even beyond the point of your remembering what you said. I've said things that I later regretted long after being able to remember what it was that I said. The feeling remains. Someone else retains the message (even if it's not the message that was intended.) Everything you say is remembered by someone. How do you want to be remembered? -- doug smith

Did you ever need to say something, but didn't.  Maybe it even felt like you couldn't. That's happened to me. The words were in my head. The words made the trip as far as to my mouth, and there they stayed, unspoken. It wasn't diplomacy. It wasn't discretion. What was it? Fear? Anxiety? Doubt? If that has never happened to you, you are lucky in that regard. If that has happened to you, and you know you don't ever want it to happen again, resolve yourself to talk. To say what's on your mind and in your heart. When the moment passes, it may be gone forever. Communication gets harder the less of it you do. Talk about it. -- doug smith

Is there something on your mind that you are not talking about? Do you need a conversation with someone but keep avoiding it? It's tough, isn't it? The conversations that feel like the toughest only get tougher the longer they are delayed. Talk about it. Talk about it now. -- doug smith

It's not easy for me to admit when I'm wrong. It's even harder if I don't see that I am, yet somehow...later on, my perspective shifts and I see what the other person must have been seeing differently. That's one reason I've learned to pause before defending a message. I'm still working on it. We usually do have a moment to pause and think thru our response. What if you are wrong?  When we are wrong and we admit it, we can usually recover the damage that might have been done. We can, with dignity and respect, restore the relationship to what it was before we said what was wrong. It's a big if, it's a might if, and it's an if worth considering. It hurts to admit you're wrong, yet when you're wrong it hurts more NOT to. -- doug smith

There's a lot of arguing going on. Does it seem to you like it's getting worse each day? People are losing friends, people are ignoring each other, people are letting logic slip out of their heads while the emotional train takes over. It doesn't have to be that way. You have some control of whether or not (and how) you argue. The next time you are about to argue, try keeping this in mind: the impulse to argue is a signal to stay curious instead. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll teach something. There's plenty of room to interact respectfully. -- doug smith

High performance leaders tell the truth. Since that can sometimes be hard, we are often tempted to stretch the truth (in other words, to lie.) While lies can fool people for a while, the truth will inevitably emerge. How will you feel when it does? Telling a lie only proves that you haven't thought of a better answer.  You do have a better answer: the truth. The truth will prevail. Tell the truth. -- doug smith

Assumptions are short cuts. Assumptions are lazy paths to uncertain places. Assumptions get us lost more often than they get us found. You know about assumptions: don't make them. Like many simple concepts, that's easier said than done and yet completely necessary. I'm so good at making assumptions and making things up that I have to constantly remind myself not to do it. The best habit to prevent assumptions is to ask questions. Clarify, clarify, clarify. Get the real facts. Discover the honest feelings. Clarify, confirm, test those assumptions! Assuming you know means that you don't. Communicate better by asking. -- doug smith

Who do we lie to the most? Ourselves. We talk ourselves out of things we want to do (or don't want to do...) We lie about our abilities, our authority, our status. Maybe we lie because it is safer than taking a risk. Maybe we lie because the truth is so harsh. Who are we fooling? When we fool ourselves, you know what that makes us. I might not be able to eliminate lies, but I do not have to believe them. And...whenever I lie to myself I try to laugh a little and move on. How about you? -- doug smith

The more agreements we create (and honor) the deeper our conversations (and relationships) become. -- doug smith

How clear is your message? You'll know it's clear when it's understood. You'll know it's understood when your intended audience communicates it back to you, meaning and tone and urgency intact. Clarity requires constant clarification. Chances are you're not done. -- doug smith

"What do you mean, it isn't true?" "It isn't yet at its best until it's kind." "But, it can still be true..." "Is incomplete still true? Is it still true if it does not return the best possible result?" "It's the results that I want, I'm just in a hurry. I don't have time to be kind!" "Maybe. But also, maybe you don't have time NOT to be kind. Think of the reactions. Think of the changes. Think about whether someone feels resentment instead of contentment. No matter how well you say it, won't it sound better with kindness?" -- doug smith

To stay clear, stay clear of ambiguity. Say what you mean. Clarify requires constant clarification. -- doug smith

Complete honesty will surprise may people. Be completely honest anyway. -- doug smith

When we speak our hearts and minds fully, and also listen deeply with curiosity, we build relationships that otherwise might falter. Talking helps us connect. Conversation can draw us together so that collaborating, cooperating, and working together become easier -- even enjoyable. What could possibly bring us closer than deep unfiltered conversation? Talk about it. -- doug smith

Do you ever lie to yourself? Most of us do. Of all the lies we tell, we lie to ourselves the most. And for what? Toward what aim? Lying to ourselves is fruitless. Lying to ourselves is damaging. Lying to ourselves is no way to achieve our goals or to communicate effectively. Your truth will matter more to others when it matters more to yourself. Tell yourself the truth. -- doug smith

Clarify. What seems obvious may not be correct. Our perspective filters everything. Clarify. -- doug smith

Did you ever wonder why someone wasn't giving you want you expected? Did you ask? -- doug smith

Do you secretly want to change something? It's bugging you, aggravating you, annoying you, standing in your way and you just want it to be different? Change is tough. One necessary part of changing something is to talk about it. Talk about it with people who can make a difference. Talk about it with people who feel your pain. Talk about it. If you want to change it, talk about it. Then get busy. -- doug smith