doug smith training

Have you ever been at a loss for words? Doesn't it always happen at an inconvenient time? I'm sure it doesn't happen to every one but for some of us, under pressure, forced to say something, we can't say anything at all. It's like an animal that freezes at the sign of danger -- maybe if we sit very still the awkwardness will go away. It won't go away on its own. But, you know what does help? Connection.  I discovered that the awkward feeling gives me a choice -- I can detach completely (or try to) which leads to even more tension, or I can see that feeling as a kind of connection. Someone cares enough to want a response. That is no small thing. That is, in fact, a wonderful thing. We're connected! Once I see the connection, communicating becomes much easier because it is suddenly less threatening.  Try it. I think you'll like it. The next time (and thereafter) when you feel that awkward silence controlling you because of uncertainty or nervousness just b

Has anyone ever given you the "cold shoulder" by refusing to talk to you? They know you're there, they avoid you, they simply stop communicating...How did that feel? It feels bad. Maybe we've all done it at one time or another, suddenly becoming uncommunicative. In some relationships it can last for years, slowly drifting apart until there's nothing left in common. It doesn't have to be that way. As awkward as it feels, talk about it. Get the issues on the table. Chances are that neither one of you are completely right or completely wrong. Forgive the other person so that you can forgive yourself -- because until that happens there will always be a lingering hurt. Refusing to talk feels like a harsh punishment.  It feels like fighting, when understanding would be better for all concerned. Talk about it. -- doug smith

You can't fix everything by talking about it but you can't fix anything unless you do. Talk about it. Sometimes it will seem rough. There may be deep feelings involved. The words may come slowly. Maybe even the wrong words will come. It is a challenge. Talk about it anyway. What unresolved issue do you need to talk about?  -- doug smith

How often do you talk with your team members, one-on-one? Not counting the group meetings, are you scheduling and keeping regular conversations with each and every team member? They need that level of attention. They require that level of attention. They have a much better chance of meeting your expectations when you give them that level of attention. It's an effort. It takes discipline. But, what could be more important than clear and regular communication with your team members? I would say, just about nothing would be more important. High performance leaders talk with each team member about what comes next. High performance leaders talk with each team member about performance. High performance leaders talk with each team member regularly, openly, honestly, and deeply. It's your best leadership tool. Talk with your team members. -- doug smith

If someone wanted to discuss a problem with you right now, what would you say?  Some days, I just don't have room for any more problems, how about you? Some days I just want to get thru and get some work done. How about you? Some days, though, there is an opportunity to talk about what's going on and if that opportunity passes, it's gone forever. I remember a long car ride up the mountains to Breckinridge, Colorado one Valentine's Day when a problem (or hand-full of problems) unfolded a great opportunity to talk. For reasons still unknown to me, I could not talk. The words would not come. My body language didn't communicate what I was thinking and (perhaps) what I was thinking was too sad to say. I don't know. I wish that I did. What I didn't know at the time was that moment, during those steep climbs, there was an opportunity to resolve problems and that opportunity would never come again so freely, so safely, and so sincerely. It faded away. It was still a

Communicate as if your career depended on it. It does. -- doug smith

Do you ever avoid talking about a problem? I have. Many times. Truthfully, too many times. And you know what? The problems didn't get better on their own. High performance leaders need to talk with their team members about any problems occurring in the team. What we hear won't always be pleasing, but what we don't hear doesn't go away on its own. We should talk about it. You can't fix everything by talking about it, but you can't fix anything unless you do. Talk about it. -- doug smith

Sometimes the best place to start is to talk about it. -- doug smith

How often do you share your problems with other people? There was a time in my life when I kept everything to myself, considering it too personal and figuring that no-one had time to help me with my problems. But, you know what? Sometimes we share problems even when we don't share. People can tell. Problems effect performance. Problems effect service, Problems rob us of happiness and sap us of our energy. We need to solve our problems, not hide them. You might not solve that problem by talking about it, but what if you did? Centered problem solvers create dialogue. They listen and share in order to reach mutual understanding. The first step to mutual agreement on the solution to a problem is to understand the problem AND each other. Got a problem? Talk about it. -- doug smith

When I was much younger I was so shy that I often would not say what was on my mind. Who am I kidding? I hardly EVER said what was on my mind. I later learned that a) no one could read my mind, and b) I didn't get what I wanted that way. Since then I've been working on speaking assertively. Making the request. Stating the view. Clarifying my perspective. It's a work in progress. We're all a work in progress. Here's how I plan to make more progress: talk about it. There's no point in waiting to say what you mean -- you may not get the chance again. Say what you mean as truly as you can, with kindness. What do you think? -- doug smith

We live at a time defined by our differences. Arguments prevail. Dialogue, once so vibrant, is often disturbed by the percussive discussions of differing views. These differing views could lead to valuable insights, if we were just able and willing to examine our differences. What if we could share our perspectives without judging each other? It could start by opening up, by telling more about who each of us really is inside. Where do the things we say come from? What makes us who we are? Tell your story. Tell your views. Share your perspective. When we can do that with an open mind, any level of communication becomes possible. Who will know who you really are unless you tell them? Talk about it. Then, listen. -- doug smith

When we speak our hearts and minds fully, and also listen deeply with curiosity, we build relationships that otherwise might falter. Talking helps us connect. Conversation can draw us together so that collaborating, cooperating, and working together become easier -- even enjoyable. What could possibly bring us closer than deep unfiltered conversation? Talk about it. -- doug smith

Did you ever wonder why someone wasn't giving you want you expected? Did you ask? -- doug smith

Do you secretly want to change something? It's bugging you, aggravating you, annoying you, standing in your way and you just want it to be different? Change is tough. One necessary part of changing something is to talk about it. Talk about it with people who can make a difference. Talk about it with people who feel your pain. Talk about it. If you want to change it, talk about it. Then get busy. -- doug smith

Most problems are hard to solve unless you talk about it. Whatever is standing in your way, my advice is to get over it, get under it, get around it, just for heaven's sake talk about it. Start the conversation. That's where great things begin. -- Doug Smith

Have you ever had to work with someone who does not share your values? In all honesty, I think we all do that all the time. Our values are important, and we strive to live by them every day, but not everyone shares those values and yet we do need the help of people who have different values. It IS so much easier to work with people who share our values. Shared values build trust. Shared values build understanding. Shared values build collaboration. But sometimes we have to be a role model for those values and hope that our demonstration of our values in action will show their merit. By being a positive example of our values in action, we might just encourage other people to embrace those values. And by showing our willingness to work with people we disagree with we can show how we facilitate, rather than force, our way of living. It's harder to collaborate with people who don't share our values -- but not impossible. Who have you been avoiding because of their value

When I was growing up there was a TV commercial for 7Up that branded the soft drink as the "uncola". It was defined by what it was not. It was an interesting experiment directed at getting people to change a habit to a new solution based on their old solution. Instead of drinking Coke, drink 7Up. I never became a 7Up drinker (Mountain Dew was more my style) but I have borrowed the phrase slightly in something that I call the magic unquestion. It's an unquestion because it's not really a question, although it acts like one. And you can substitute it in situations where you might be looking for another question but can't think of one. Here is the magic unquestion: Tell me more about that. It's not a question, but it keeps the other person talking. It uncovers more information. It stays nonjudgmental and does the work of a question. It changes my habit from closing the inquiry to keeping it open. Tell me more about that. When you need to talk about it,

Do you focus mainly on possibilities or on limitations? We need people who focus on limitations so that we can determine how to overcome them or avoid frustrating our efforts. We need people who focus on possibilities because the answers are out there, we just need to find them. There are always better ways to communicate. There are always better solutions. There are always new ways to bring joy and to reduce suffering. These are all in the possibilities that we develop. I'd much rather talk about possibilities than limitations . Often, by expanding possibilities we overcome what we had perceived to be as limitations. We can get creative. We can patiently pursue perfection without judging our imperfections. Possibilities are our future. Without thinking critically of those who think critically, I like the expanded (and expanding) view. What's your view? -- Doug Smith