The Magic Unquestion

When I was growing up there was a TV commercial for 7Up that branded the soft drink as the "uncola". It was defined by what it was not.

It was an interesting experiment directed at getting people to change a habit to a new solution based on their old solution. Instead of drinking Coke, drink 7Up.

I never became a 7Up drinker (Mountain Dew was more my style) but I have borrowed the phrase slightly in something that I call the magic unquestion. It's an unquestion because it's not really a question, although it acts like one. And you can substitute it in situations where you might be looking for another question but can't think of one. Here is the magic unquestion:

Tell me more about that.

It's not a question, but it keeps the other person talking. It uncovers more information. It stays nonjudgmental and does the work of a question. It changes my habit from closing the inquiry to keeping it open. Tell me more about that.

When you need to talk about it, listening is a great way to keep the conversation going. When people seem to be at a stop point, there's usually much, much more under the surface. Saying "Tell me more about that" is a useful way to keep the talking alive.

It's magic because it works. It's magic because it's easy. Try it. I think you'll like it, no matter what beverage you prefer.

Tell me more about that.

-- Doug Smith

Front Range Leadership: High Performance Leadership Training

doug smith training: helping people communicate more effectively

What have you learned today?

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Rival as Coach

Competition can be rough but it can also be educational. If you study your opponent you might learn their secrets. If you can listen to your opposition, they might be sending you valuable signals that could improve your own performance. What if your rival is also your best coach? -- doug smith

Turn That Feedback Upside Down

Is feedback painful? Do you hate both giving AND receiving feedback? Most people, in my experience, tend to avoid feedback because there is pain and even emotional trauma attached. Critical feedback hurts. Positive feedback, when it comes at all, isn't always enough to counter the trauma of the critical feedback. We do need critical feedback. We need to be able to benefit from observations and experiences to improve our performance going forward. As leaders, we have a responsibility to provide our team members with both support and challenge. Feedback should be part of that challenge. But it's not really "feedback" unless it's flipped upside down. On my Fender amplifier, if I play my guitar too loud and too close to the speaker the sound feeds-back. I like that sound (it reminds me of Jimi Hendrix) but many people don't and it certainly would not fit in most worship services or orchestra pits. The feedback is essentially telling me to turn it down. But I don...

Action!

You've heard the term "Action!" in the movie business applied to beginning a scene. Get moving. Do your part. Play your role. Action. Often, the action is incomplete, incorrect, or just insufficient. When that happens on the set you'll hear "Back to one!" which means start the scene over from the beginning. You get another chance. Some directors will even give you a couple extra chances to get it right. Other directors, like Stanley Kubrick, might insist on dozens of "back to ones" to make sure something brilliant happens. We don't always get do-overs in real life, do we? But we can't get stuck at "one" or "back to one". We need action. Sketch out all the plans you want as long as you remember that it takes action to achieve your goals. And what if you don't like the results of your action? Maybe...just maybe, give back to one a chance... -- doug smith

A Bit of Justice

Is it possible to have peace without justice? I wrestle with that question because I know what I'd like it to be and I suspect that the real answer is something else. How about you? The path of peace is sometimes covered with conflict. Problems don't always present in a respectful, peaceful manner. Sometimes they barely even disguise the greed behind the behavior. Tough, yet almost certain, the answer involves an assertive response. A problem caused by greed might need a bit of justice. Peaceful, restorative justice perhaps, but most definitely justice. -- doug smith

The Problem With Compromises

Think about the last time you compromised on something. Whether it was a big compromise or a little compromise, how do you feel about it now? While we often call it "meet in the middle" it seldom does. Compromises are not automatically fair, no matter how implied that fairness is. Someone usually gets more out of a compromise than the person they are "compromising" with. If the low end is you, you don't like it -- and you remember that. If the top end of the compromise is you, you probably forget all about it even though the inequity simmers in the background. Compromises must be constantly revisited because they are inevitably unfair. If you get the chance to balance things out, your relationship will prosper. If you miss that chance, the relationship will suffer. What's your choice? -- doug smith

Steps of Success

Remember to celebrate the goals you've already achieved. They are powerful steps toward your next great goal. -- doug smith

Clarify and then Work

Where does success start? It starts with the goal. What is it that you really, really want? Clarifying what your goal is can save you hours, weeks, and years of frustration. Work on what matters. Work on your goals. -- doug smith

Pause

"Not so fast!" "What?" "I didn't say yes. At least not yet. Be careful of assuming it's a yes..." I don't like to be pushed, how about you? I don't like it when people assume that any answer that is not a no must logically be a yes. Maybe not. It's fine to pause. It's worth thinking. No one can fault you for taking a breath, or two, or three! A pause, before a promise, can prevent that promise from being broken. I'd like to be someone who keeps my promises. How about you? -- doug smith

How Far?

How far will you go? How much will you work? How important is it to you? Your goals will go as far as you will go... -- doug smith

How To Give and Receive Constructive Feedback

I'm facilitating a training session this week on feedback and coaching so of course my research never stops. No matter how many times I've delivered a program, there's always more to learn. I found this video and recommend it. If you'd like to take some of the "sting" out of feedback, don't even think of it as feedback. Think of it as advice. Here's the ten minute video. If you don't have ten minutes, the first three minutes are golden. Three key points that I got from the video: Focus on the task, not the person Ask for advice, not feedback Your "second score" is how you take and process your first score. If someone says that your performance was a three on a scale of ten (ouch!) you can still get a ten on how you use that information. -- doug smith

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