Skip to main content

Practice Radical Transparency

Do you have regrets?

I have some interpersonal regrets that are so raw, so fresh, and so painful that they can immobilize me. I know that things will improve, that I will get beyond these changes, but they beg for examination and learning.

Even when we know what we're doing, there's no guarantee that we will do what we know is best.

The clearest example is in our conversations. So much is left unsaid. So much is caged and framed in quasi-positive screens in hopes of avoiding confrontation or discomfort. But we need that confrontation. We need to work through that discomfort. Whenever I have, my life has dramatically improved. When ever I have failed to speak both my heart and my mind, my truth at that moment, the result has lingered, faltered, and hurt.

As Susan Scott might say, "We're bigger than that."

I learned much from reading Susan Scott's books, especially Fierce Conversations, and from seeing her speak. I was even lucky enough to meet her briefly after one of her talks. When I applied what I learned from her, my business results improved and my relationships grew deeper and more meaningful. Not universally, but substantially.

When I got sloppy, when I forgot to continue to engage in achieving success one conversation at a time, things began to unravel. I held back what needed to be said. I filtered my intension with confusion and misdirection. It fooled none, especially not my significant other at the time.

My failure to speak my truth courageously and fiercely cost me that relationship. It has been my saddest, most profound loss. I will do anything to help other people avoid that heartache, that loss. Not with a magic wand. Not with therapy (although that helps). But by developing genuine, authentic, transparent conversations.

Say what you need to say, I beg you. Say it truthfully, sincerely, openly, and with compassion. Build on your strengths and develop the ones that are under exercised with the primary purpose of becoming and being the best possible communicator you can be.

No falsehoods. No lies. No deceptions. No unspoken truths kept to yourself because they might expose your uncertainty or confusion. Tell the truth.

I don't often post videos, but this one is powerful and brought tears of recognition to my eyes when Susan Scott reminded me of that powerful quote from Ernest Hemingway (The Sun Also Rises) "How did you go bankrupt? Gradually, then suddenly."

Our inadequate conversations gradually tear away the fabric of our relationships until suddenly, the fabric falls away. The relationship suffers irreconcilable loss. A loss that did not need to be, had we only said what's on our mind.

Here's the video. She starts out a bit slowly but please do watch the whole video. It is powerful in building her case for radical transparency.





-- Doug Smith

What have you learned today?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Co-discovery

  How are you at discovering things with other people? As much as I do enjoy working alone, exploring, doing lots of discovery, I also find that it is absolutely amazing to be able to co-discover with other people. New things emerge. Synthesis arises. Jam sessions abound. When we work together we discover worlds beyond our lonely grasp. We discover what's right. -- doug smith

Be Fair

If you are a parent, or remember when you were a child, you've heard this many times:  "It's not fair!"  Probably spoken with a massive degree of indignation. There is something absolutely offensive about encountering unfairness. Injustice. If it is not fair it is not right. You know how it feels and you know it shouldn't be that way. That's one of the things that makes leadership so important. Making fair choices. Treating people with respect. Moving toward your goals without taking advantage of other people. It takes character and strength and resolve.  Life may not be far, but as a leader you can be. Let's be fair. -- doug smith

Solution Resistance

Why would anyone resist solving a problem? As frustrating as that feels, there must be a reason. Even when it is counter-productive. Even when it makes no sense at all -- people will stay stuck in their problems and avoid anything that resembles a solution. Maybe they're sure it will work out on its own (it won't). Or, maybe in a tough case they unknowingly are addicted to their pain, that cycle of bringing up what hurts even though it hurts and eventually even because it hurts. It's familiar. The chemicals do their dance of doom and the darkness feels almost comforting. I'm familiar with that pattern, that rut, that doom. It wasn't judgment that pulled me out. It wasn't force. It wasn't even an intervention. It was slow, steady, patient, loving conversations.  Talk about it. Listen. Empathize.  Some people won't want you to solve a problem. It's worth finding out why. Just imagine the possibilities! -- doug smith  P.S. I'm not a therapist (altho...

Collaboration

  "It seems like the project is right in front of you..." I said, beginning to offer some free consulting. "I don't need advice," she said, "I need collaboration." Of course.  -- doug smith

The Most Positive

What if we're the most happy when we're the most positive? It's not magic -- we still need to do the work. It's not miraculous or metaphysical -- we do still control our own destiny. But, why not make the control positive? Why not overcome any negative patterns that stand in the way? You've got this. I'm positive. -- doug smith  

Practical

Build things that people need and you'll always be needed. Just remember, you may have to change how you build those things.  People's needs change and those needs are often more complicated than they seem. There is also a power difference between "classic" and "obsolete." As hard as it is, leaders need to navigate that difference. Build things that people need -- practical goods. And keep improving how you do it. -- doug smith 

What Can Be?

  What can be possible right now? Is there a problem facing you that you've been avoiding because it feels like there are already just too many things going on? It's easy to fall into an "all or nothing" mindset where, unable to solve ALL of the problems we manage to solve NONE of the problems. That there are too many problems to solve them all shouldn't stop us from solving the ones we can. If what can be is one solution to one problem that is a wonderful place to begin. -- doug smith

Fabulous and Tough

We're all here before we discover why.  Some people never do discover why. With clear focus we eventually do discover endless reasons why. It only takes one good one to keep going.  As leaders we have the ability to help others discover and develop their "why's". Gathering people who share a wonderful diversity of why's while also being able to align powerfully with the team's "why" makes leadership rewarding, useful, full, and fabulous. Facilitating success -- reason enough to lead and tough enough to keep us growing. -- doug smith

Small Steps

Incremental goals make geometric goals possible. Little goals get giant goals going. Whatever your goal is, break it down into something small enough to do right now. One step forward is all you need to get going.  - - doug smith

Intentional Problems

  A problem that is intentionally caused should not be ignored. It is either a conflict, or about to become one. When was the last time you saw a conflict resolve itself? (That's what I thought...) As one of my mentors, Andrew Oxley taught me: "You don't have to get angry, but you do have to get active." Do what leaders do: solve problems. A problem caused intentionally points to a root cause and a larger opportunity. Ignored, it gets bigger. Addressed, it may get solved. -- doug smith