It's More Than the Motions

Have you ever caught someone simply "going through the motions" in communicating with you?

They say the right words, their motions seems fine, they just aren't fully engaged in what's going on. They appear to listen, but it feels like their mind is somewhere else.

So many of us go through the motions. We read our mobile phones when we're with loved ones we seldom see. We keep an eye on the television while our significant others tells us something important (hint - when it comes from your significant other it's all important), we phone it in.

It's one of my biggest faults and it has recently come back to haunt me as I experienced that level of inattentive attention returned. It doesn't look mean, it doesn't look premeditated, and yet it hurts at a level that sinks gradually deeper until it can't be excised.

The other day I was riding my bike and I came upon a man playing with his dog. At first it looked really charming. The dog was very earnest in the pursuit of the ball that the man threw (using some contraption on a stick that kept him from having to bend over too far).

But then I noticed what the dog struggled with. The man was really paying no attention to the dog at all. He was occupied in a conversation on his mobile phone. He went through the motions, and kept the dog busy, but never gave the dog what it was really looking for: companionship, praise, feedback, interaction. They were just going through the motions.

It was profoundly sad in a way (granted, I'm going through some sadness right now that filters what I see, but still) because the dog wasn't really getting what the dog wanted out of the interaction and the man was simply fooling himself into thinking that he was keeping the dog happy. He wasn't. The dog was keeping itself happy, but missing what it cared about the most.

The following I write more for me than anyone else, and I hope others will also benefit:

Don't miss what you care about the most.

When someone is talking with you, give them your full attention.

When you have the opportunity to share your presence with loved ones: show up. Be there. Interact. Listen with curiosity. Enjoy the space between you.

When you catch someone "going through the motions" with you, call them out. Ask the what they really want in that moment. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe they are avoiding the conversation you both really need to have. But whatever you do, where ever you are, do not ever settle for going through the motions again

Life is too short for that nonsense.

-- Doug Smith

Comments

On the Usefulness of Organization

What if I had said "hierarchy" instead of "organization?" Would you have a different reaction. Like many people, I have spent considerable time fighting hierarchy. It is often necessary to do away with the old because it just doesn't work anymore. It always feels like the structure is there to slow you down, to prevent you from acting as fast as it feels you need to act. Is that always true? Although we rebel against hierarchy, without clear and structured organization we fall apart, bit by bit. Chaos doesn't need a catalyst to cause catastrophic results. It may (often!) be better to pause. Breathe. Ponder. Test. Ask. While many a manager has stood in my way during ambitious projects -- guess what? The times that they were right to slow the project down in order to "get it right" and in order to weigh all of the side-effects made profound differences in the effort. Move quickly, yes, but not so quickly that you break what you'd considered un

Think About That

Some people think that your mind can change anything and that you can completely determine the outcome of something based on how you think about it. I'm not sure that I'd go that far. How about you? That kind of thinking does not have to be absolute to be powerful, though. I can't think hard enough to make the earth revolve around the moon but that doesn't mean that my thoughts are powerless. If you can change your mind you can change anything. You'll see it differently, experience it differently, and in effect change it. Does that sound contradictory? "I'll have to think about that..." "Yeah, me, too..." - doug smith

It Could Be You

Have you ever sat thru a meeting or event and wondered, "Who's in charge of this mess?" Do you encounter broken processes that get in the way of success and that interfere with customer or team member happiness? This can be a challenge, but it is also a choice: If you look around and wonder "who is in charge of fixing this mess?" it could be you. It probably is you. -- doug smith

Meet In The Middle?

Should we meet in the middle? When we find ourselves locked in a disagreement that won't resolve, stuck inside a problem that we cannot solve, let's take a step back. If we keep pulling apart, where does that take us? If we step a bit closer to each other, where does that take us? When our differences are poles apart perhaps we need to explore common ground in the center. -- doug smith

Basic Respect

How important is trust in a team? When I ask leaders this question the usual answer is "It's everything. Without trust the team falls apart." I'd agree. Your team members must trust you as the leader to act with their interests in mind as well as the interests of the organization and of your customers. And you as the leader must be able to trust team members to perform in ways that serve the mission, help your customers, and help each other. I'd also add that trust starts with respect. Where does respect start? This is not a chicken-or-egg question. The answer is clear: respect starts with the leader. When you respect your team members, they witness how important that is, how useful it feels, and how necessary it remains. Show respect, receive respect -- in that order. It does not work in reverse. -- doug smith

What if?

It is a recurring theme: something needs to be done, and yet isn't getting done. Or, there is an urgent problem to be solved, and no one is solving it. When the cause is important a leader will emerge. What if that leader is you? -- doug smith

Yes, It Is...

Think for a moment about a time when you did your best work. Think about a time when you found a flow, when time did not matter, when things seemed in harmony and when you did your best work. Wasn't that great? You are not done. You are just getting started. Your best work is still ahead of you. You might need to get some bad work out of the way first, but hang in there. Seriously. Your best work is still ahead of you. -- doug smith

Not That Funny?

Are you gifted with sarcasm? Many people are. What's the harm, right? A little jokey joke here and there, just kidding, no big deal... What if it is a big deal? What if people misinterpret your jokey joke as a raging insult. Do you think it's possible that within every sarcastic comment there is a kernel of truth? That kernel of truth, once exposed, could lead to a productive and deep discussion of major issues -- or it could lead to the deterioration of a relationship. I leave it to you to decide which you think is more likely. Whenever possible (and...I think that is always...) I like to embrace humor while eschewing sarcasm. Why be bitter or biting when there are so many other ways to laugh? Kindness costs nothing while sarcasm leaves scars. Let's stay kind. -- doug smith

On Silence

Sometimes I talk too much. Have you ever said anything that you regret? If you're telling the truth, I'm going to guess "yes." Leaders do that sometimes. And, while we owe it to our teams to speak up and express ourselves clearly, there are times when silence is better. Silence is better when the words you are about to speak are better spoken by someone else. Silence is better when the opportunity is for the team to learn from their own words and actions. Silence is better when the words we are about to say are in anger. How can we know the difference? When do we need to speak up and when do we need to shut up? Try this: pause for three seconds and at least one deep breath (more if you can.) Your answer may appear in that silence. -- doug smith

Bad Rules?

What should we do with bad rules? If you added up all of the rules you are subject to during your life they would likely fill a three-hundred page book (and that's NOT counting the Apple User Agreement...) If we distilled all of those rules down to the really necessary ones, you could fit them all on one page. But instead, we face volumes and volumes of rules written by other people who have only THEIR interests in mind, who do not consult us on our preferences, and who expect to enforce those rules as if they were the Ten Commandments. What do you think of that? The other day an organization that was interested in influencing me listed a set of rules so arcane, so arduous, and so mean that I couldn't even READ them all (without gagging) much less agree to them. Where does that arrogance come from? What makes people think that other people will adhere to such one-sided rules? Doesn't that make it harder to defend the rules that DO make sense? If we confront people with enou

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