It's More Than the Motions

Have you ever caught someone simply "going through the motions" in communicating with you?

They say the right words, their motions seems fine, they just aren't fully engaged in what's going on. They appear to listen, but it feels like their mind is somewhere else.

So many of us go through the motions. We read our mobile phones when we're with loved ones we seldom see. We keep an eye on the television while our significant others tells us something important (hint - when it comes from your significant other it's all important), we phone it in.

It's one of my biggest faults and it has recently come back to haunt me as I experienced that level of inattentive attention returned. It doesn't look mean, it doesn't look premeditated, and yet it hurts at a level that sinks gradually deeper until it can't be excised.

The other day I was riding my bike and I came upon a man playing with his dog. At first it looked really charming. The dog was very earnest in the pursuit of the ball that the man threw (using some contraption on a stick that kept him from having to bend over too far).

But then I noticed what the dog struggled with. The man was really paying no attention to the dog at all. He was occupied in a conversation on his mobile phone. He went through the motions, and kept the dog busy, but never gave the dog what it was really looking for: companionship, praise, feedback, interaction. They were just going through the motions.

It was profoundly sad in a way (granted, I'm going through some sadness right now that filters what I see, but still) because the dog wasn't really getting what the dog wanted out of the interaction and the man was simply fooling himself into thinking that he was keeping the dog happy. He wasn't. The dog was keeping itself happy, but missing what it cared about the most.

The following I write more for me than anyone else, and I hope others will also benefit:

Don't miss what you care about the most.

When someone is talking with you, give them your full attention.

When you have the opportunity to share your presence with loved ones: show up. Be there. Interact. Listen with curiosity. Enjoy the space between you.

When you catch someone "going through the motions" with you, call them out. Ask the what they really want in that moment. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe they are avoiding the conversation you both really need to have. But whatever you do, where ever you are, do not ever settle for going through the motions again

Life is too short for that nonsense.

-- Doug Smith

Comments

Constructive Feedback

Wouldn't it be nice if the only feedback we got was all positive? Our self-esteem would be so happy. Our confidence would be flying high. Work would be wonderful! The problem is, the mistakes we make, the opportunities we miss, the offenses we offer would go unchecked leading to - gulp - worse performance. Yes, we love the positive feedback. I can run a week on one "good job!" We also really need the constructive comments. Ready or not, we can always improve. Asking only for positive feedback sounds comforting but it's wrong. We need to ask for feedback and handle it, positive or not. If we do not receive any constructive feedback, as high performance leaders we owe it to ourselves and our teams to ask for it. It's also true when it comes to delivering feedback. Our constructive feedback for others may make them uncomfortable. Our observations of behavior may run counter to their self-evaluation. As leaders, we owe it to people to help them improve, to lead them t

Master Something...

Are you good at everything? Me, either. The list of people who are good at everything is short. That's OK. You don't need to master everything, but you DO need to master something. What are you working on to master these days? -- doug smith

About Your Attitude

How is your attitude today? I'm sure that you've already encountered someone with a healthy attitude and also someone with a less than healthy attitude -- and how has that affected you? There are more things in this life out of our control than there are things IN our control, but attitude fits right there within your own control. Not what other people express in their voice, tone, and body language, but what YOU do control in your thinking, interpretation, response, speaking, and actions. You are the number one specialist for your own attitude and it shows. Treat your attitude well, love it fully, nature it daily, and let it shine. It just might upgrade the attitude of those around you, too. -- doug smith

Paying Attention

How you grow is up to you, but you can learn a lot from how others have already grown. You can skip many of the same mistakes. You can build where they have established a foundation. You can grow by developing similar healthy habits. Growth never needs to stop. How are you growing today? -- doug smith

No disrespect?

Give disrespect the attention it deserves: none. That does not mean that you accept abuse, illegal, or unethical behavior. It just means that disrespect does not earn respect. I advocate starting from a position of respect. We do well to respect everyone from the start. Respect people in the way we greet them, treat them, and (when in competition) beat them. When someone does not return that respect, or when they begin from a place of disrespect, we don't have to get angry, but we do have to get active. Often the fastest way to get active when confronted with disrespect is to disappear. Leave. Stop honoring that person with your presence if their only goal is to do you harm. Leaving isn't always possible or recommended when you or others are in danger. Then, opposition to that disrespect may be necessary. Not to create harm or revenge, but to create safety and honor. Is that easy? Oh, no. You already know that. Is it necessary? More than ever. How do we do it? By beginning --

Your Powerful Attitude

You are the number one specialist for your own attitude. Treat it well, love it fully, let it shine. Even when others try to disrupt or destroy your attitude, it is still within your control. How powerful is this? Sometimes it makes all the difference between misery and happiness. Why not choose happiness? -- doug smith

Not too short

We like things short. To the point. Skip the filler. Brief is good, but sometimes deep is necessary. Deep takes longer at first, but eventually produces more -- when it's needed. -- doug smith

A Better Assumption

Some people assume that you get what you deserve. Others insist that in an unfair world, there's no way to balance things in your favor once they become stacked against you. True or not, those types of assumptions are not helpful. Here's a better assumption (true or not...): You have earned whatever you have. Whether or not you get what you want next depends on how hard you are willing to work for it. It's better because it gives you control. Isn't that what you want? -- doug smith

Video: Marshall Goldsmith and Feed Forward

From Dr. Marshall Goldsmith, Executive Coach, comes this is a great way to share fast, low risk coaching with a number of people. The three steps are simple and easy: Write down an area you'd like to improve that would have a big impact for you Ask for 2 positive suggestions for the future that would help with that area Repeat getting positive suggestions from others in the group There are two simple roles for the process: No talking about the past No judging or critiquing ideas Here's Dr. Goldsmith describing the process in one of his highly useful videos: I found this article and video from one of my favorite sources of leadership advice, GetLighthouse.com, here .

Now

One brilliant, fabulous, wonderful moment: now. -- doug smith

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