It's More Than the Motions

Have you ever caught someone simply "going through the motions" in communicating with you?

They say the right words, their motions seems fine, they just aren't fully engaged in what's going on. They appear to listen, but it feels like their mind is somewhere else.

So many of us go through the motions. We read our mobile phones when we're with loved ones we seldom see. We keep an eye on the television while our significant others tells us something important (hint - when it comes from your significant other it's all important), we phone it in.

It's one of my biggest faults and it has recently come back to haunt me as I experienced that level of inattentive attention returned. It doesn't look mean, it doesn't look premeditated, and yet it hurts at a level that sinks gradually deeper until it can't be excised.

The other day I was riding my bike and I came upon a man playing with his dog. At first it looked really charming. The dog was very earnest in the pursuit of the ball that the man threw (using some contraption on a stick that kept him from having to bend over too far).

But then I noticed what the dog struggled with. The man was really paying no attention to the dog at all. He was occupied in a conversation on his mobile phone. He went through the motions, and kept the dog busy, but never gave the dog what it was really looking for: companionship, praise, feedback, interaction. They were just going through the motions.

It was profoundly sad in a way (granted, I'm going through some sadness right now that filters what I see, but still) because the dog wasn't really getting what the dog wanted out of the interaction and the man was simply fooling himself into thinking that he was keeping the dog happy. He wasn't. The dog was keeping itself happy, but missing what it cared about the most.

The following I write more for me than anyone else, and I hope others will also benefit:

Don't miss what you care about the most.

When someone is talking with you, give them your full attention.

When you have the opportunity to share your presence with loved ones: show up. Be there. Interact. Listen with curiosity. Enjoy the space between you.

When you catch someone "going through the motions" with you, call them out. Ask the what they really want in that moment. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe they are avoiding the conversation you both really need to have. But whatever you do, where ever you are, do not ever settle for going through the motions again

Life is too short for that nonsense.

-- Doug Smith

Comments

Love That Job

Do your team members love their jobs? Do you? There is nothing quite like loving a job you're doing. Focused, alive, attentive, building something important, serving people gladly...what could be better? We all need to work, why not love the work we do? As a leader, you are the main reason (yes I said the MAIN reason) your team members either love their jobs or they don't. It's all in the climate you create, the environment of both support and challenge balanced with precision and love. A leader who helps someone love their job is giving the world a wonderful treasure. What can you do today to show your team members the potential to make this the best team ever, with the best jobs ever? Here's one idea: appreciate. Thank someone, recognize some, share with someone how you value what they do and who they are. They'll like that, you'll like that...everybody wins. -- doug smith

The Right People

Who do you get to help you solve your problem? You, of course, that's a given. Also, people who will be impacted by any solution you try. People who are feeling the effects of the problem right now. Even (especially) people who you think may be at the root cause of the problem. Get the benefit of many ideas. Enlist the help of people who will care how it turns out. Collaborate to gain commitment. Engage the right people in creating problem solutions so that they don't become the wrong people while implementing them. -- doug smith

Compassionate Patience

It's easy to forget how much work it took to get where you are. Skills that we can take for granted are still absent or being developed in other people, including our team members. Compassionate leaders remember what they were like before they acquired the skills they now wish their team members had. The challenge: staying patient. The good news: as a leader you can help those team members grow. -- doug smith

Focused Truth

Focused leaders have zero time for inauthentic messages. They tell the truth unconditionally and insist on the truth consistently. Be a leader who can handle the truth. Be a leader who tells the truth. -- doug smith

The Positive Choice

Leadership carries many responsibilities. One of them is the responsibility to improve things. People, products, processes -- none of these are perfect. As leaders, we can help them get better or we can keep them right where they are. Given a choice why not allow things to get better? -- doug smith

Goals Need A Plan

Ever set a goal that you didn't achieve? Of course, we all have. What went wrong? It was probably either a) you didn't have a plan, or b) you had a plan and didn't follow it. Goals need plans that we act on relentlessly. To achieve your goals with certainty, identify where and when you will work on them. Set a plan. Follow the plan. Adjust and repeat. Think about a time when you DID achieve your goal. You set a goal, designed a plan, then followed that plan. Do that. Do more of that. -- doug smith

Temporary

It would be easy to get upset about it, but not helpful. It's better to see the truth and then deal with it. It's all a work in progress. "Done" is only temporary. -- doug smith

Influence, Not Manipulation

This could be a whole book, but I'll keep it short. Every day is a struggle to influence and to avoid being manipulated. Both struggles impact each other. We need to be open to being influenced. Sometimes we're wrong. Sometimes our perspective shifts, our approach changes, our actions respond. But, manipulation is inconsiderate. Manipulation is disrespectful. Manipulation says "we don't trust you so we're going to make it hard for you to do what we don't want you to do..." Influence all day long. Involve people in that influence. Make your circle larger and watch your potential grow. But as soon as you try to manipulate someone, you've crossed a dangerous line. What do you think? -- doug smith

More On Now

Now is one of those words that means different things to different people. It implies a sense of urgency. Immediacy. And, it can mean so much more. When I say "now!" I mean it will not be perfect but it will be DONE. When I say "now!" I mean seriously, attentively, and instantly. When I say "now!" I mean "now for me" without expecting anyone else to follow automatically. If it's not urgent for you, even if it is for me, just let me know. What do you mean when you say now? -- doug smith

Develop a Range of Skills

As leaders our development is never done. There is always more to learn, more to master. It's possible to get the "people part" of leadership right and still fail as a leader. Strategy, critical-thinking, planning, and problem solving are still critical. What have you learned today? -- doug smith

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