It's More Than the Motions

Have you ever caught someone simply "going through the motions" in communicating with you?

They say the right words, their motions seems fine, they just aren't fully engaged in what's going on. They appear to listen, but it feels like their mind is somewhere else.

So many of us go through the motions. We read our mobile phones when we're with loved ones we seldom see. We keep an eye on the television while our significant others tells us something important (hint - when it comes from your significant other it's all important), we phone it in.

It's one of my biggest faults and it has recently come back to haunt me as I experienced that level of inattentive attention returned. It doesn't look mean, it doesn't look premeditated, and yet it hurts at a level that sinks gradually deeper until it can't be excised.

The other day I was riding my bike and I came upon a man playing with his dog. At first it looked really charming. The dog was very earnest in the pursuit of the ball that the man threw (using some contraption on a stick that kept him from having to bend over too far).

But then I noticed what the dog struggled with. The man was really paying no attention to the dog at all. He was occupied in a conversation on his mobile phone. He went through the motions, and kept the dog busy, but never gave the dog what it was really looking for: companionship, praise, feedback, interaction. They were just going through the motions.

It was profoundly sad in a way (granted, I'm going through some sadness right now that filters what I see, but still) because the dog wasn't really getting what the dog wanted out of the interaction and the man was simply fooling himself into thinking that he was keeping the dog happy. He wasn't. The dog was keeping itself happy, but missing what it cared about the most.

The following I write more for me than anyone else, and I hope others will also benefit:

Don't miss what you care about the most.

When someone is talking with you, give them your full attention.

When you have the opportunity to share your presence with loved ones: show up. Be there. Interact. Listen with curiosity. Enjoy the space between you.

When you catch someone "going through the motions" with you, call them out. Ask the what they really want in that moment. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe they are avoiding the conversation you both really need to have. But whatever you do, where ever you are, do not ever settle for going through the motions again

Life is too short for that nonsense.

-- Doug Smith

Comments

No Excuse

Why do people make excuses? It does not dismiss their responsibility. It does not solve any problem. It simply delays the next step in the process. As one of my best leaders from my days with Whole Foods, Bruce Green, once said "Nobody cares about your excuses." An excuse is all price and no payoff. Why not let go of the excuse and get busy with the process? -- doug smith

Blame Is Not Your Problem

'It's irksome to get blamed for a problem. That can raise emotions that make solving the problem even more difficult. If we can center ourselves first, breathe, and release the blame, maybe we can see what path to take. We can solve the problem. Getting blamed for a problem we didn't create doesn't prevent us from solving it. Let go of the blame, wherever it came from. -- doug smith Action Step: The next time you catch yourself blaming anyone for anything, just let go of the blame.

Proof of Life

Change is not a burden. Change is proof of life. -- doug smith

Peace With Temporary Solutions

As a recovering perfectionist, I've tried to make peace with temporary solutions. I do still want everything to be perfect (and to STAY that way) while also learning that even my best ideas are transitional at best. Things will change. I will change. You will change. Our ideas and solutions will also need to change. If we can stop thinking that solutions are final our problems won't seem so troubling. Because whatever we don't solve NOW can still be solved later. What do you think? -- doug smith

Keep Your "Yes" Ready

When we are frustrated it is tempting to say "no." When customers are unreasonable it is oh so easy to say "no." As a high performance leader and as someone who learns to balance clarity, courage, creativity, and compassion, you'll hold off on that "no" long enough to consider a useful "yes." A yes that will please your customer and you as well. A yes that builds a relationship bridge instead of constructing a negative wall of "no". Sometimes, instead of saying "no" we need to say what it would take for us to say "yes". You can always say "no" later if you need to. Keep that "yes" ready, though, and it will likely work out for the best. -- doug smith

When To Dance?

Have you ever danced to a tune you didn't like? Maybe it was at a wedding, or a holiday gathering, or a nightclub, or some other place. Dancing was around you and so you danced. Dancing is usually a choice. Unless it is against your belief system (as a child I remember people in my family who thought that dancing was a sin) dancing is on the whole more beneficial than difficult. I used to believe that I was a good dancer -- until my partner broke up with me and I discovered that SHE was the good dancer, so good that she makes anyone she dances with look like a better dancer (even me). And yet, still I dance. I remember the celebration dinner for a project that I worked on when the president of the company joined the rest of us on the dance floor to do a fun line dance. I'll admit, he danced better than me. For one of the programs that I teach I offer the participants the opportunity to dance in a brief virtual dance party. Some people do (and seem to enjoy it) and some people

Perspective Flexibility

How flexible is your perspective? Once we form a vision of what we think is true, it's so easy to stick with that view. Right or wrong, that view is incomplete. We omit important details. We add our preferences to our references and develop a distinctive mix. As nice as that feels, it is also constraining. Flexibility allows for flow. Openness questions the certain to detect the incorrect. Perspective flexibility is our friend. It's not always easy to change the way you look at things, but it always helps. -- doug smith

Be Careful About Punishment

It's tempting. It's right in front of you as a leader. Someone violates your trust, or misses a goal, or fails to respond to the promise of a reward, and the logical action seems to be to punish them in some way. Take away a perk. Deny a personal day off. Refuse a good assignment. Be careful. Every punishment brings about unexpected payback. Maybe it's immediate or maybe it comes months (even years!) down the road -- but payback is coming. It could be assertive, even aggressive -- or it could be so passive aggressive that you fail to see it coming. Oh, but it's coming. You may not like that payback. You may want to consider another path. What do you think? -- doug smith

Be Kind

Be kind, even when it's hard. Even when the way escapes you at first. If you can't think of a fast way to be kind, a slow way will do just fine. The point is to act with kindness. -- doug smith

Correct or Confused?

Thinking the best leaves less room for the rest. I'm a fan of unconditional positive regard. I can assume that people are doing the wrong thing on purpose when I don't like what they do, but it doesn't change what they did and it's not likely to make things any better. When I assume that people are doing they best they know how to do it's much easier to correct mistakes. Fix the process, not the person. Change the behavior, not the intention. People intend to do good things -- they just sometimes get confused. -- doug smith

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