Find a Better Way to Ask

Sometimes the answer is no, and we don't like the answer. We could give up. Oh well. Or -- we could ask a different way. Maybe our expectations were not clear. Maybe our intensity was not clear.

Get clear. Stay persistent.

Not all the time -- it still makes sense to remain open, curious, and able to be influenced. But when you've got to have what you've got to have, and you are struggling to get it -- try a different way.

Some suggestions:

- find the value in what you want from the other person's point of view
- show how NOT getting what you want impacts the other person negatively
- ask in a different way
- add humor (gently)
- use analogies ("On a scale of 1 to 10, this is a solid 10 for me!)
- find the mutually beneficial outcome. It could be something different.

There are always more possibilities. How do you know there are still possibilities? If you haven't gotten something you like yet.

What ideas do you have?

-- doug smith

Comments

Co-discovery

How are you at discovering things with other people? As much as I do enjoy working alone, exploring, doing lots of discovery, I also find that it is absolutely amazing to be able to co-discover with other people. New things emerge. Synthesis arises. Jam sessions abound. When we work together we discover worlds beyond our lonely grasp. We discover what's right. -- doug smith

Be Fair

If you are a parent, or remember when you were a child, you've heard this many times: "It's not fair!" Probably spoken with a massive degree of indignation. There is something absolutely offensive about encountering unfairness. Injustice. If it is not fair it is not right. You know how it feels and you know it shouldn't be that way. That's one of the things that makes leadership so important. Making fair choices. Treating people with respect. Moving toward your goals without taking advantage of other people. It takes character and strength and resolve. Life may not be far, but as a leader you can be. Let's be fair. -- doug smith

Solution Resistance

Why would anyone resist solving a problem? As frustrating as that feels, there must be a reason. Even when it is counter-productive. Even when it makes no sense at all -- people will stay stuck in their problems and avoid anything that resembles a solution. Maybe they're sure it will work out on its own (it won't). Or, maybe in a tough case they unknowingly are addicted to their pain, that cycle of bringing up what hurts even though it hurts and eventually even because it hurts. It's familiar. The chemicals do their dance of doom and the darkness feels almost comforting. I'm familiar with that pattern, that rut, that doom. It wasn't judgment that pulled me out. It wasn't force. It wasn't even an intervention. It was slow, steady, patient, loving conversations. Talk about it. Listen. Empathize. Some people won't want you to solve a problem. It's worth finding out why. Just imagine the possibilities! -- doug smith P.S. I'm not a therapist (altho...

Collaboration

"It seems like the project is right in front of you..." I said, beginning to offer some free consulting. "I don't need advice," she said, "I need collaboration." Of course. -- doug smith

Feedback is Fuel

Have you ever avoided feedback? Do you know anyone who avoids feedback? Even when we know we benefit from feedback, we'll do our best to avoid that feedback if it hurts. Unkind critical feedback stings so much that we pull away. As leaders, we can fix that. Take the sting out. Make feedback feel useful and kind. Not by coddling or being polly-annish. Not by being toxically positive. By being accurate, unemotional, and kind. By listening first and sharing feedback second. Lower the temperature, raise the compassion, increase the frequency, and develop a team with a culture of sharing observations and eventually people will embrace the feedback instead of avoiding it. Feedback is fuel for growth. Feedback is best built with trust. -- doug smith

The Most Positive

What if we're the most happy when we're the most positive? It's not magic -- we still need to do the work. It's not miraculous or metaphysical -- we do still control our own destiny. But, why not make the control positive? Why not overcome any negative patterns that stand in the way? You've got this. I'm positive. -- doug smith

How To Lead

I don't have all the answers. This isn't an absolute, reductionist formula, but it couldn't hurt. It feels like a good way to lead. Ready? Lead with the eagerness of a child and the wisdom of an elder. That's it. I thought about substituting "patience" for "wisdom". Either one (or both) will do. Stay curious. Stay patient. Lead with kindness. What do you think? -- doug smith

Practical

Build things that people need and you'll always be needed. Just remember, you may have to change how you build those things. People's needs change and those needs are often more complicated than they seem. There is also a power difference between "classic" and "obsolete." As hard as it is, leaders need to navigate that difference. Build things that people need -- practical goods. And keep improving how you do it. -- doug smith

What Can Be?

What can be possible right now? Is there a problem facing you that you've been avoiding because it feels like there are already just too many things going on? It's easy to fall into an "all or nothing" mindset where, unable to solve ALL of the problems we manage to solve NONE of the problems. That there are too many problems to solve them all shouldn't stop us from solving the ones we can. If what can be is one solution to one problem that is a wonderful place to begin. -- doug smith

Up To You

Your goals are up to you. If you've got a pulse, if you're breathing, your goals are up to you. Other people may assign you tasks, projects, and even goals but let's face it, it is completely up to you. Isn't that the way you want it? -- doug smith

doug smith training

Search This Blog