doug smith training

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "not so good" and 10 being excellent, how good a listener are you? If you think you are a ten, good for you! You must be very fun to talk with! And if like most of us you are something less than a 10, that's OK, too. We can always learn how to listen better. It is a skill so highly valued and yet so seldom practiced that the opportunity to listen better is limitless. We don't have to follow every voice we hear but we can certainly learn a lot by listening. Let's level-up our listening today. Let's find out what we can learn... -- doug smith  

Every conversation contains at least one opportunity.  Getting to know someone, clarifying expectations, resolving conflict, helping achieve a goal...the opportunities are rich with possibility once we recognize them. It's easy to miss that opportunity and waste the time, but when we understand the opportunity and do our best to communicate clearly and effectively, we can enjoy the benefits of those opportunities through productive conversations.  Find the opportunity.  -- doug smith  

  Have you ever said something and you knew that it was wrong as soon as you said it? What happened next? Sometimes we find ourselves defending our position even after we realize that our position is flawed or even downright incorrect. Why do we do that? We have the freedom when we are communicating to change our minds. We have the freedom to re-state what we said, to reframe it in a way that makes more sense, to come to terms with a better truth. We don't have to defend something just because we said it. Maybe we shouldn't have said it to begin with! -- doug smith

The first step in communicating better is developing the ability to connect with respect. Respect for the person, for the space, for the time. Respect for the results you are communicating to achieve. Respect for the willingness to share a conversation in hopes of reaching shared meaning. Connect with respect. It's a great place to start. -- doug smith  

Can you remember the last time you said something that you regret? Did it result in embarrassment? Maybe even an apology? It's certainly happened to me. It's even possible to say something that no amount of regret or apology can erase -- or even diminish. In other words, the harm is permanent and severe. Oh, if there was only a way to avoid that... There is. It's simple, but not easy. Simply pause. Before saying that "wonderfully outrageous" thing or "brilliantly sarcastic" comment pause long enough to take a few breaths. Embrace silence. A moment of silence can prevent a lifetime of regret.  If you need to, you can always say that incendiary thing in the future. But, you probably won't need to, and you'll be glad that you let the moment pass. -- doug smith

Being absolutely sure of something means I've only explored one side. Not only is our individual perspective imperfect, it is also incomplete. Go deeper -- that's where the treasure lives. -- doug smith 

Sometimes I talk too much. Have you ever said anything that you regret? If you're telling the truth, I'm going to guess "yes." Leaders do that sometimes. And, while we owe it to our teams to speak up and express ourselves clearly, there are times when silence is better. Silence is better when the words you are about to speak are better spoken by someone else. Silence is better when the opportunity is for the team to learn from their own words and actions. Silence is better when the words we are about to say are in anger. How can we know the difference? When do we need to speak up and when do we need to shut up? Try this: pause for three seconds and at least one deep breath (more if you can.) Your answer may appear in that silence. -- doug smith

Think about the best communicator you know. Not someone famous (unless you know them) but rather someone you interact with.  Have you noticed their communication skills get better over time? (If they didn't, you might have a different view on them...) No doubt they work on it and keep developing those communication skills. There's always something to learn. We are never finished developing our communication skills. I know I've got a lot of learning to do when it comes to communication. How about you?  Think again about that great communicator you know. Could it be the some of the times you felt they were the best at communicating that it had very little to do with what they said, but more with what they didn't say? Could it be that the way they listen says more than they could say any other way? Saying it best by listening is always welcome. I'm going to try to do that more often. How about you? -- doug smith

Is there something important that you need to say to someone you're not getting along with at the moment? Are you reporting a problem to people in your organization? Is that conversation difficult, controversial, or problematic? Say it with respect and kindness or keep it to yourself. -- doug smith 

Do you know anyone who has every bit of the absolute truth? Nothing can ever convince that type of person that they could be wrong. It could be because they know for sure that part of it IS true.  But do they really? I'm not saying that all truth is relative (although certainly SOME is...) But, unless we keep an open mind and stay curious, how will we ever know, how will we ever grow? Tell me the truth, just don't pretend you know all of it. -- doug smith  

Have you ever been at a loss for words? Doesn't it always happen at an inconvenient time? I'm sure it doesn't happen to every one but for some of us, under pressure, forced to say something, we can't say anything at all. It's like an animal that freezes at the sign of danger -- maybe if we sit very still the awkwardness will go away. It won't go away on its own. But, you know what does help? Connection.  I discovered that the awkward feeling gives me a choice -- I can detach completely (or try to) which leads to even more tension, or I can see that feeling as a kind of connection. Someone cares enough to want a response. That is no small thing. That is, in fact, a wonderful thing. We're connected! Once I see the connection, communicating becomes much easier because it is suddenly less threatening.  Try it. I think you'll like it. The next time (and thereafter) when you feel that awkward silence controlling you because of uncertainty or nervousness just b...

Has anyone ever given you the "cold shoulder" by refusing to talk to you? They know you're there, they avoid you, they simply stop communicating...How did that feel? It feels bad. Maybe we've all done it at one time or another, suddenly becoming uncommunicative. In some relationships it can last for years, slowly drifting apart until there's nothing left in common. It doesn't have to be that way. As awkward as it feels, talk about it. Get the issues on the table. Chances are that neither one of you are completely right or completely wrong. Forgive the other person so that you can forgive yourself -- because until that happens there will always be a lingering hurt. Refusing to talk feels like a harsh punishment.  It feels like fighting, when understanding would be better for all concerned. Talk about it. -- doug smith

You can't fix everything by talking about it but you can't fix anything unless you do. Talk about it. Sometimes it will seem rough. There may be deep feelings involved. The words may come slowly. Maybe even the wrong words will come. It is a challenge. Talk about it anyway. What unresolved issue do you need to talk about?  -- doug smith

It's not rejection if the other person did not understand your request. -- doug smith 

  Whenever I feel myself getting defensive, and whenever I catch myself defending a point I haven't even completely thought thru yet, I realize that what I need is to stay curious. Quiet. Open minded. In discovery mode, not defending mode. There's plenty of time to defend later. The impulse to argue is your signal to stay curious. Mine, too. -- doug smith

Did you ever need to say something, but didn't.  Maybe it even felt like you couldn't. That's happened to me. The words were in my head. The words made the trip as far as to my mouth, and there they stayed, unspoken. It wasn't diplomacy. It wasn't discretion. What was it? Fear? Anxiety? Doubt? If that has never happened to you, you are lucky in that regard. If that has happened to you, and you know you don't ever want it to happen again, resolve yourself to talk. To say what's on your mind and in your heart. When the moment passes, it may be gone forever. Communication gets harder the less of it you do. Talk about it. -- doug smith

It's not easy for me to admit when I'm wrong. It's even harder if I don't see that I am, yet somehow...later on, my perspective shifts and I see what the other person must have been seeing differently. That's one reason I've learned to pause before defending a message. I'm still working on it. We usually do have a moment to pause and think thru our response. What if you are wrong?  When we are wrong and we admit it, we can usually recover the damage that might have been done. We can, with dignity and respect, restore the relationship to what it was before we said what was wrong. It's a big if, it's a might if, and it's an if worth considering. It hurts to admit you're wrong, yet when you're wrong it hurts more NOT to. -- doug smith

High performance leaders tell the truth. Since that can sometimes be hard, we are often tempted to stretch the truth (in other words, to lie.) While lies can fool people for a while, the truth will inevitably emerge. How will you feel when it does? Telling a lie only proves that you haven't thought of a better answer.  You do have a better answer: the truth. The truth will prevail. Tell the truth. -- doug smith

When was the last time you caught someone in a lie? How did you react? It was probably not that long ago, maybe even today. People lie to each other everyday. Some of those lies we let pass, but some startle us so much in their boldness, in their malice, in their deviousness that we are emotionally moved to do something about it. What should we do? We could react with anger. That is sure to stir up more anger. We could react with sadness. Surely, we have every reason to be sad, but what will that accomplish? A better reaction? Call to question the statement in question. Here are some things that work for me: "I'm not sure that I understood what you just said, could you say it another way?" or "I'm not sure I agree with that. Can you convince me?" or "Wow." (the word I sometimes say when I can't think of what to say -- OR I'm thinking of a word that would not be socially acceptable or polite. And yes, even when you catch a lie...

A lie is a try to buy self-esteem and the price is too high. -- doug smith