Managing Anger

What makes you angry?

Do you ever feel anger and wonder where it came from?

Sometimes I've noticed that anger appears out of scale with the thing that seemed to trigger it. Maybe it's an accumulation of aggravations. Maybe it's a sustained patience that has become unsustainable. Maybe it's a lifetime of little disappointments. The anger boils, flairs, and erupts. At that point it can be highly unhealthy.

We lash out. We shout. We blame. We break things. Humans can be so sloppy sometimes. We lose our center and our balance lists like a ship in a storm. Our storm of anger rocks our world.

Maybe you haven't experienced this, and if not, maybe you've seen it in other people. It can scare.

Where the anger heads though isn't always where it belongs. Fall-out occurs. Innocent feelings and people are hurt.

The targets of our anger are seldom the cause of our anger.

We punish the wrong people. We overreact to minor disagreements propelled by the build up of restraint.

What's the answer? What do you do to defuse your anger? How do you manage your center?

By creating better conversations. Without pretending to know THE answer, I would say that some of it is preventing the build-up. Staying true to your values. Opposing unfairness in the moment, instead of tolerating. Staying assertive so that aggression seldom become necessary.

In other words, staying centered. Staying mindful of our circumstances and speaking and acting with courage when courage is needed. For if we suppress or deny our courage, our anger takes control.

-- Doug Smith

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Nobody's Perfect

If you've ever had a boss who treated you like you should be perfect, you know how uncomfortable and how unachievable that expectation is. As leaders, we need not ever expect perfection. What we are reasonable in expecting is constant improvement. Even with constant improvement as an expectation, we should also realize that it is natural for people to plateau, for that level up to level off. It's like breathing. We can only inhale so much without exhaling. Expecting perfection guarantees disappointment. Expecting non-stop improvement invites burn-out. Let's be reasonably demanding leaders with the accent on reasonable. I'll try. How about you? -- doug smith

Just Keep Learning

How many times a day are you aware of forgetting something? Where you put your keys, where the phone is, what time that appointment is, why you walked into the room you just walked into...we forget things all the time. While it does make sense to do what we can to develop and retain our memory, we just aren't ever going to remember everything. Plus, most of the stuff that we once tried so hard to remember just doesn't even matter anymore. That ninth grade algebra test? That phone number to an office that no longer exists? The mission of that business that would not hire you? Gone and gone and gone. We forget more than we'll ever remember so just keep learning. Keep learning new material. Keep learning new skills. Keep learning new things about the people you love (and the people you don't yet love!) Keep learning! What have you learned today? -- doug smith

Make It Fun

When you need service, do you really want it to feel like a chore to the person providing that service? Do you flinch just a little after a "thank you" when the other person says "no problem"? I'm glad it wasn't a bother. I do wish it had a little heart in it. Maybe even a little fun. The best jobs at their peak appear to be fun for those observing. "How interesting!" "How magnificent!" "How effortless!" and yes, "How fun!." The best service feels more like play. Instead of the all-too-common "no problem" what if we said a heart-filled, fun-boosted "my pleasure!" And, don't lie about it, make it fun. -- doug smith

The Need to Act

Some of us like to analyze. Some of us like to act and let someone else analyze. Solving problems takes a balance. The most brilliant analysis producing the most wonderful ideas is all useless until someone acts. Some problems encourage eternal analysis, but that does not mean that eternal analysis is best. Some analysis is best accomplished with action. Think carefully, of course. Act boldly, also of course. -- doug smith

Note to Self: Negotiate

Do you say "yes" too quickly or maybe "no" with no conviction? What if you could change the outcome of a request? What if you could more clearly decide how to get more of what is best and less of the rest? What if you negotiate situations more often? If you don't negotiate it you'll never know how good it could be. -- doug smith Bonus Tip: The best book I've read on negotiating is "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss.

Courage Against Corruption

Even when it looks like corruption is everywhere, we do not have to let it rule. Leaders need the courage to resist corruption -- no matter how small and no matter how large and no matter for how long. When in doubt tell the truth, play fair, and act with integrity. Anything else will always catch up to you. -- doug smith

A Better Future

It's too late to perfect the past but it's not too late to learn a better future. Where is your next lesson taking you? What future are you working to create? -- doug smith

Find the Promise

Every problem contains a promise. That promise is a solution that leads to improvement, that leads to satisfaction, that leads to success. It's not guaranteed, of course, but the promise is there. Why hide from it? The promise of a problem sparks the seeds of success. Find the promise, it will pull you toward the solution. -- doug smith

Blame Is Not Your Problem

'It's irksome to get blamed for a problem. That can raise emotions that make solving the problem even more difficult. If we can center ourselves first, breathe, and release the blame, maybe we can see what path to take. We can solve the problem. Getting blamed for a problem we didn't create doesn't prevent us from solving it. Let go of the blame, wherever it came from. -- doug smith Action Step: The next time you catch yourself blaming anyone for anything, just let go of the blame.

Keep Your "Yes" Ready

When we are frustrated it is tempting to say "no." When customers are unreasonable it is oh so easy to say "no." As a high performance leader and as someone who learns to balance clarity, courage, creativity, and compassion, you'll hold off on that "no" long enough to consider a useful "yes." A yes that will please your customer and you as well. A yes that builds a relationship bridge instead of constructing a negative wall of "no". Sometimes, instead of saying "no" we need to say what it would take for us to say "yes". You can always say "no" later if you need to. Keep that "yes" ready, though, and it will likely work out for the best. -- doug smith

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