Withholding Communication Is Cruel

If something is bothering you, do you talk about it?

For years, I would push down my feelings and keep them all to myself. Do you know what good that got me? No good at all. Unless we talk about our outer AND inner lives, how can we expect anyone to help us, to join us, to feel influenced by us?

Withholding communication prevents you from feeling fully and dealing completely. Keeping it all inside keeps the air out. How you breathe in there?

Have you ever stopped talking to someone? Some people do it suddenly, ghosting the person they once talked to (maybe even someone they professed great love for) giving them no opportunity to understand what's going on. And some have more dignity than that - they TELL you that they won't be talking with you anymore -- and then they follow thru -- by not talking to you anymore. A person I once thought was the love of my life didn't just break up with me -- she cut off all communication.

Maybe you've done some degree of this. Maybe you've unfriended someone on social media. They don't even know that you're gone, you just stop communicating. But you ARE communicating. What you are communicating, when you refuse to communicate, is that that person is not important to you and that that person's feelings do not matter.

Are there ever times when it DOES make sense to withhold communication? Yes. It's possible to deal with someone who is pathological in their behavior and who communicates in ways that make it unhealthy for you to keep the connection. Even after attempting civil reconciliation, you might find someone impossible. Still. While withholding communication may feel like the best thing for you -- is it your kindest response?

I'm not here to tell you when to communicate and when NOT to communicate. You decide. But, I have learned what it feels like to be at both ends of that communication freeze-out, and it's not good on either side.

Withholding communication is cruel. What if there's a better, more creative choice?

It's at least worth pondering, don't you think?

-- doug smith

Comments

No Excuse

Why do people make excuses? It does not dismiss their responsibility. It does not solve any problem. It simply delays the next step in the process. As one of my best leaders from my days with Whole Foods, Bruce Green, once said "Nobody cares about your excuses." An excuse is all price and no payoff. Why not let go of the excuse and get busy with the process? -- doug smith

Nobody's Perfect

If you've ever had a boss who treated you like you should be perfect, you know how uncomfortable and how unachievable that expectation is. As leaders, we need not ever expect perfection. What we are reasonable in expecting is constant improvement. Even with constant improvement as an expectation, we should also realize that it is natural for people to plateau, for that level up to level off. It's like breathing. We can only inhale so much without exhaling. Expecting perfection guarantees disappointment. Expecting non-stop improvement invites burn-out. Let's be reasonably demanding leaders with the accent on reasonable. I'll try. How about you? -- doug smith

Blame Is Not Your Problem

'It's irksome to get blamed for a problem. That can raise emotions that make solving the problem even more difficult. If we can center ourselves first, breathe, and release the blame, maybe we can see what path to take. We can solve the problem. Getting blamed for a problem we didn't create doesn't prevent us from solving it. Let go of the blame, wherever it came from. -- doug smith Action Step: The next time you catch yourself blaming anyone for anything, just let go of the blame.

Just Keep Learning

How many times a day are you aware of forgetting something? Where you put your keys, where the phone is, what time that appointment is, why you walked into the room you just walked into...we forget things all the time. While it does make sense to do what we can to develop and retain our memory, we just aren't ever going to remember everything. Plus, most of the stuff that we once tried so hard to remember just doesn't even matter anymore. That ninth grade algebra test? That phone number to an office that no longer exists? The mission of that business that would not hire you? Gone and gone and gone. We forget more than we'll ever remember so just keep learning. Keep learning new material. Keep learning new skills. Keep learning new things about the people you love (and the people you don't yet love!) Keep learning! What have you learned today? -- doug smith

Make It Fun

When you need service, do you really want it to feel like a chore to the person providing that service? Do you flinch just a little after a "thank you" when the other person says "no problem"? I'm glad it wasn't a bother. I do wish it had a little heart in it. Maybe even a little fun. The best jobs at their peak appear to be fun for those observing. "How interesting!" "How magnificent!" "How effortless!" and yes, "How fun!." The best service feels more like play. Instead of the all-too-common "no problem" what if we said a heart-filled, fun-boosted "my pleasure!" And, don't lie about it, make it fun. -- doug smith

When To Dance?

Have you ever danced to a tune you didn't like? Maybe it was at a wedding, or a holiday gathering, or a nightclub, or some other place. Dancing was around you and so you danced. Dancing is usually a choice. Unless it is against your belief system (as a child I remember people in my family who thought that dancing was a sin) dancing is on the whole more beneficial than difficult. I used to believe that I was a good dancer -- until my partner broke up with me and I discovered that SHE was the good dancer, so good that she makes anyone she dances with look like a better dancer (even me). And yet, still I dance. I remember the celebration dinner for a project that I worked on when the president of the company joined the rest of us on the dance floor to do a fun line dance. I'll admit, he danced better than me. For one of the programs that I teach I offer the participants the opportunity to dance in a brief virtual dance party. Some people do (and seem to enjoy it) and some people

Proof of Life

Change is not a burden. Change is proof of life. -- doug smith

The Need to Act

Some of us like to analyze. Some of us like to act and let someone else analyze. Solving problems takes a balance. The most brilliant analysis producing the most wonderful ideas is all useless until someone acts. Some problems encourage eternal analysis, but that does not mean that eternal analysis is best. Some analysis is best accomplished with action. Think carefully, of course. Act boldly, also of course. -- doug smith

Note to Self: Negotiate

Do you say "yes" too quickly or maybe "no" with no conviction? What if you could change the outcome of a request? What if you could more clearly decide how to get more of what is best and less of the rest? What if you negotiate situations more often? If you don't negotiate it you'll never know how good it could be. -- doug smith Bonus Tip: The best book I've read on negotiating is "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss.

Peace With Temporary Solutions

As a recovering perfectionist, I've tried to make peace with temporary solutions. I do still want everything to be perfect (and to STAY that way) while also learning that even my best ideas are transitional at best. Things will change. I will change. You will change. Our ideas and solutions will also need to change. If we can stop thinking that solutions are final our problems won't seem so troubling. Because whatever we don't solve NOW can still be solved later. What do you think? -- doug smith

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