Withholding Communication Is Cruel

If something is bothering you, do you talk about it?

For years, I would push down my feelings and keep them all to myself. Do you know what good that got me? No good at all. Unless we talk about our outer AND inner lives, how can we expect anyone to help us, to join us, to feel influenced by us?

Withholding communication prevents you from feeling fully and dealing completely. Keeping it all inside keeps the air out. How you breathe in there?

Have you ever stopped talking to someone? Some people do it suddenly, ghosting the person they once talked to (maybe even someone they professed great love for) giving them no opportunity to understand what's going on. And some have more dignity than that - they TELL you that they won't be talking with you anymore -- and then they follow thru -- by not talking to you anymore. A person I once thought was the love of my life didn't just break up with me -- she cut off all communication.

Maybe you've done some degree of this. Maybe you've unfriended someone on social media. They don't even know that you're gone, you just stop communicating. But you ARE communicating. What you are communicating, when you refuse to communicate, is that that person is not important to you and that that person's feelings do not matter.

Are there ever times when it DOES make sense to withhold communication? Yes. It's possible to deal with someone who is pathological in their behavior and who communicates in ways that make it unhealthy for you to keep the connection. Even after attempting civil reconciliation, you might find someone impossible. Still. While withholding communication may feel like the best thing for you -- is it your kindest response?

I'm not here to tell you when to communicate and when NOT to communicate. You decide. But, I have learned what it feels like to be at both ends of that communication freeze-out, and it's not good on either side.

Withholding communication is cruel. What if there's a better, more creative choice?

It's at least worth pondering, don't you think?

-- doug smith

Comments

Connection

Where does communication start? Before any meaningful message can be shared, before any agreement can be reached, communication starts with connection. Finding a way to share something in common with someone else. Turning toward someone and taking the chance of seeing, hearing, feeling who they are in this moment of time. Communication starts with connection. Connect, and the possibilities are limitless. -- doug smith

Respect

How do you show someone respect? Without it you will find it hard to hold onto any respect of your own. Without it you may even find it hard to get things done. Those who outrank you are much more help to you when you show them respect. Those who report to you are much more motivated when you show them respect. And, those at your level are far more likely to be cooperative and collaborative when you show them respect. Show respect by: listening, without judging speaking truthfully avoiding gossip allowing for disagreement without anger acknowledging rank and authority There are dozens of ways to show respect. What would you add to the list? -- doug smith

It's Not A Family

You don't have to create a family at work. Families come with their own difficulties and if you've ever worked in a family business you know all about that. People at work don't have to love each other, but they do need to respect each other. Communicating clearly and honestly is a start. Collaborating instead of competing helps. Do your job, jump in to help when you're needed, and keep supporting the team's mission and goals. You don't need to create a family at work to build a great team. What you need is clarity, courage, creativity, and compassion. Great leaders create the atmosphere where those core strengths prosper. -- doug smith

Understanding Comes First

A solution posed too soon might just be another version of the problem. It's tempting to rush thru analysis. Tempting, but costly. Few problems are solved until they are truly understood. -- doug smith

Indisputable?

Everything is open to interpretation. To dispute this is an interpretation. It is, therefore, indisputable. Or is it? Stay curious. Let's see what happens. -- doug smith

Is It Ethical?

The best, most reliable leaders make ethical choices. You may have discovered, though, that people do define ethical in many different ways. For some, if it's right for the it must be ethical, even when it is not right for someone else. We do need a better standard. As leaders we serve best when we do no harm. Any leadership that produces victims is poor leadership headed for long term failure. If you have to ask if something is ethical you probably already know the answer. Just imaging how you would feel if you were not given the choice. -- doug smith

Noble Need

How are you at holding people accountable? Without raising your voice do you make your expectations clear and then guide people toward achieving them? It's not about micromanaging. It's about giving people the balance of choice and criteria for success that they need to attach any task to a noble, appealing mission. The responsibility for resposibility rests with the leader. Holding people accountable is a noble need. -- doug smith

Learn the Lesson...

Ever have to repeat a lesson because you didn't get it the first time? Of course. Me, too. I figured out that the biggest reason is that I was in such a hurry to get back on track that I got back on the wrong track. Before you know it, same mistake, and basically the same lesson. Slow down enough to learn the lesson and you might not need to repeat it. I'm hoping that works for me. How about you? -- doug smith

Not By The Numbers

As quantifiable as it may be, productivity is in the end, highly subjective. "How can that be?" "We define importance. We define what matters. You can decide how much is enough." "But it's all numbers. It's all measurable..." "Yes, once you've decided what matters. Once you've define the quality you want. None of the productivity matters unless the quality is there." "Well, my boss wouldn't agree with that very much." "How much do you like working for your boss?" "Not very much..." You might disagree. Many people do. But consider this: would you rather have exactly what you want, or a whole bunch of what you don't want? I thought so. -- doug smith

Show You Care

Goals are important. So is how your goals affect other people. Did you consult anyone your goal will impact? Did you look for help from others? Did you help anyone else achieve their goals this week? People will care more about your goals when you care more about people. Show you care by listening, by helping, and even by laughing at their bad jokes. People are worth it. -- doug smith

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