Withholding Communication Is Cruel

If something is bothering you, do you talk about it?

For years, I would push down my feelings and keep them all to myself. Do you know what good that got me? No good at all. Unless we talk about our outer AND inner lives, how can we expect anyone to help us, to join us, to feel influenced by us?

Withholding communication prevents you from feeling fully and dealing completely. Keeping it all inside keeps the air out. How you breathe in there?

Have you ever stopped talking to someone? Some people do it suddenly, ghosting the person they once talked to (maybe even someone they professed great love for) giving them no opportunity to understand what's going on. And some have more dignity than that - they TELL you that they won't be talking with you anymore -- and then they follow thru -- by not talking to you anymore. A person I once thought was the love of my life didn't just break up with me -- she cut off all communication.

Maybe you've done some degree of this. Maybe you've unfriended someone on social media. They don't even know that you're gone, you just stop communicating. But you ARE communicating. What you are communicating, when you refuse to communicate, is that that person is not important to you and that that person's feelings do not matter.

Are there ever times when it DOES make sense to withhold communication? Yes. It's possible to deal with someone who is pathological in their behavior and who communicates in ways that make it unhealthy for you to keep the connection. Even after attempting civil reconciliation, you might find someone impossible. Still. While withholding communication may feel like the best thing for you -- is it your kindest response?

I'm not here to tell you when to communicate and when NOT to communicate. You decide. But, I have learned what it feels like to be at both ends of that communication freeze-out, and it's not good on either side.

Withholding communication is cruel. What if there's a better, more creative choice?

It's at least worth pondering, don't you think?

-- doug smith

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The Games We Play

Last week I had some fun, with two different classes, in an activity to re-invent games with no losers. The only other condition was that each game also had to be fun. As it turns out, competition is not necessary in order to have fun. The creativity won the day as games developed without any losers. Imagine that. Playing a game without disappointment. Playing a game of cooperation, of collaboration, of mutually beneficial outcomes. It's possible. It's fun. And, there are no side-effects. The games we play form us in ways we may not expect. If we can invent more games, more situations, more relationships where everybody wins imagine what a world that would be. -- doug smith

Up to You

Other people can help, but achieving your goals is up to you. -- doug smith

Of Course...

Are you on course to achieve your biggest goals? Is your plan in motion and working? Of course! Will you need to make some adjustments along the way? Of course! If your goal really matters -- to you with some intensity, you will do what you need to do in order to achieve that goal. If it doesn't really matter, there's almost nothing to be done. You need the joy. You need the spark. You need the course of action that lights you up so much that it lights up your path to success. The reason for your goal is as important as your goal. Why does your goal matter? Why now? Why you? Does that level of focus really make a difference? Of course! -- doug smith

Save that thought...

Whenever I ask a class "have you ever said anything that you regret saying?" the answer is always 100% yes. A mumble easily becomes a stumble when it's tainted with trauma, distrust, anger, or sorrow. There are things we could say that don't help in any way. It's better to keep those things to o oneself. I had a boss once who wisely told me "Doug, when you're upset, pause and count to ten." "And what if I stay upset?" "Then count to a hundred." She might as well have said count to a thousand, because I knew exactly what she meant. Some things do not need to be said. We've all got better words inside us willing to take that mistake away. -- doug smith

A Touch of the Poet

Highly structured? Wildly improvised? Harmonic, or distorted? Fast or slow? Analytics help, but there's nothing quite like a touch of the poet in solving problems. The deep pondering, the pedantic piecing together, the frantic splash of passion. Whether or not they know it every problem solver has a touch of the poet. Are you in touch with your touch of the poet? -- doug smith

Hard Work

What's the hardest job that you've ever had to do? It might be hard, it might not be fun, it might consume far too much time, but hard work builds skills that otherwise go neglected. Hard work teaches patience, tenacity, fortitude, resilience. Hard work build character. When it gets to be too easy, it's time for another challenge. Hard work will always pay off in one way or another. What are you working hard at now? The payoff will be worth it. -- doug smith

A Daily Goal

Some people take a vitamin every day. Some people read a passage from a favorite book every day. Positive daily habits support a successful life. Set a goal at least once a day and then achieve that goal. It builds the kind of momentum that leads to wonderful things. And you do want wonderful things, right? -- doug smith

Not So Obvious, Is It?

People work on bad goals far too often. It sounds good, it reaches for some vague feeling of satisfaction, and yet the goal is a poor match for who they are or where they are. How you form your goals matters. Get the goal right before you work on it to save yourself lots of aggravation. Keep it simple: action word, result, and time. Keep it ambitious but possible. And check to make sure that what you want is what the goal will give you. Otherwise, that poor goal is a waste of time. -- doug smith

The Smartest Person

What makes a team member seem smart? Is it their knowledge? Is it their experience? Or, are they simply gifted? High performance leaders work to build teams that include people smarter than they are. They are out there, why not bring them to your team? If you think that you are the smartest person on your team you are either wrong, OR not finished recruiting. -- doug smith

Careful With the Question

Have you ever been in a conversation so intense that you question the health of the person who is arguing with you? Most of us have. In that moment, when our nerves are frayed and our anger is rising, it is ever so easy to say the wrong thing. It's tempting to ask the wrong question. When we push against someone's dignity the reaction will not be positive. You know that, I know that, and yet we've done it anyway. Here's a note-to-self: stop, pause, breathe, evaluate. What would be the best thing to say or do? Because...if you ask someone what's wrong with them they will likely find something wrong with you. And they might not be wrong about that... -- doug smith

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